Bryce Harper has become America’s Sweetheart. In some ways this makes him the new Julia Roberts, only less big-lipped. I was stunned in both my fantasy leagues how quickly Bryce Harper was snatched up. One man with a huge crush on him is my dad, my opponent this week and Manager of Team Boyle. I fear he wishes Harper was his son and this is why he always compares me to him. Well, you’re right. Bryce Harper is a lot better than I am. And I blame you Team Boyle. I hope you enjoy your new son because this week it’s him, not me.
(Father and Son enjoying a moment of staring into the camera together)
I hate Bryce Harper for these ten reasons and you should too:
1) Bryce Harper has a GED rather than a high school diploma. What kind of example is this for children? Do you know who else has a GED? Boy George. You heard it first. Bryce Harper is the Boy George of Baseball.
2) Bryce Harper hit 31 home runs setting a new high school record which had previously been 12. In other words, Bryce Harper enjoys rubbing things in people’s faces. I just hope he doesn’t own any chloroform.
3) Bryce Harper is from Las Vegas better known as Sin City. Do you really want to root for someone who does not live a prosperous life? Freddie Freeman on the Miami Carlins is from somewhere called Fountain Valley. That sounds so much nicer.
4) Bryce Harper had a book written about him before he was even famous. Lee Harvey Oswald had the same thing done about him. I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find it and no longer can. I think this is yet another cover-up, one I will blame Bryce Harper for.
5) Bryce Harper is represented by agent Scott Boras. What this means is he would be willing to sell his own grandma’s soul for an extra buck. And I have met Grandma Harper. She is a sweetheart. Nothing like that evil grandson of hers Bryce.
6) Bryce Harper’s name is Bryce. Ew.
7) Bryce Harper has an older brother named Bryan who played at the University of South Carolina as a Gamecock. Clearly this is a family who picks their colleges based on the silly nicknames. Yet another irresponsible thing by Bryce and his entire family.
8) Bryce Harper is a Mormon. Yep, that means he will steal your wife and your daughters then marry them all in some crazy sex orgy.
9) Bryce Harper drives a Mercedes-Benz with a W insignia for Washington. First you should be upset that he drives a better car than you do. He’s 20 and makes more money than you. There really is no second. This is annoying enough. I really hope he gets traded to a city that has no connection the letter W or even an M. I don’t want him turning that upside down.
10) Bryce Harper is only a month older than Miley Cyrus. Don’t you feel ridiculous for depending on someone like that to win your fantasy baseball season for you? He can’t even legally drink yet.
Crack open a beer in dishonor of Bryce Harper. May he struggle to stay above the Mendoza Line.