There was no interview last week and this will be the final one because, how many questions can I really ask the same people over and over again? Before I get into the interview, I would like to update the score. One day left and the Carlins are leading 284-250. I’m not going to say anything else other than the score because I don’t want to jinx anything.
Now let’s get on with the interview with the league commissioner, Cecil Cantrell.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how cool was it? If no, who do you blame?
Cecil Cantrell: No, I have never won before. I tell my friends and family that I win every year though. It makes them proud. Who do I blame? I blame my friends and family. All of the pressure they put on me to succeed is too much to handle sometimes that I make bad moves or don’t use my star pitchers.
Me: What player on your team has become your favorite this season?
Cecil Cantrell: Clay Buchholz is easily my favorite player. I’m not sure when his next start is though… (Cecil Cantrell completely missed starting Clay Buchholz this Saturday)
Me: Of all the teams in the league, who do you think is the best? Who do you think is the worst?
Cecil Cantrell: I think The Fuzzy Taints are actually going to make a good run at in the end. You also have to respect a guy willing to let us know what his private parts are like. Worst team would probably be the Si Hurricanes. He tries really hard. At least the Houston Asterisks are on strike which explains why they’re so bad.
Me: The disabled list, have you ever heard of it?
Cecil Cantrell: I prefer to call it the “differently abled” list. It’s not nice to call people disabled.
Me: You got off to a really good start like me and it looks as if you’re fading a bit. How does it feel?
Cecil Cantrell: It feels terrible. My acid reflux is back, I have diarrhea, and I don’t enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Although these may be symptoms of something else. Not sure.
Me: What is the most difficult task when it comes to being a commissioner in a fantasy baseball league?
Cecil Cantrell: Having to talk to Drunkin’ Drafter in a sensible way.
Me: If you win, what do you plan on using your winnings on?
Cecil Cantrell: I’m going to pay the Red Sox manager to use Clay Buccholz at least once a week. Seriously, his spot in the rotation should have come around again, right?
The team manager of Stone Cold is one of the few people in this league that I have met in person. I had hoped he could have worked as a mole for the West Division, but his allegiance to Team Gold is too tight. They even made it a point to have rhyming team names. The only thing worse would have been if they managed a team together. I still wonder about Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and how they make their team work. Do they put their hands together on the same mouse and use it like a Ouija Board and see what it makes them do? I’m sure there’s plenty of hand-holding. How can there not be? A fantasy baseball team is an intimate item that men should not share. At least, that’s how I interpreted the Bible.
Moving onto the task at hand, here is this week’s interview with Stone Cold.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how great was it? If no, what went wrong?
Stone Cold: No I have never won before. What went wrong was I chose my family and work over winning the fantasy baseball league. It’s a mistake I hope to never make again.
Me: Which team in the league do you think will finish in last place?
Stone Cold: I think Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages will finish in last place. Keep in mind though, I am neither psychic nor do I understand what is going on in this fantasy baseball league at all.
Me: You recently said you are in need of outfield help. Have you considered not playing anyone instead because your outfield is so bad?
Stone Cold: I’ve actually contacted ESPN [the league we play in] and have wondered if they could count my old softball statistics from 15 years ago. I hit .118 with two stolen bases. It’s better than what I’ve got on my team.
Me: What was the last movie you saw with Team Gold?
Stone Cold: I’m not sure why you think we go to the movies together all the time. We barely go. The last time we went we saw the new Twilight movie. That was months ago! Doesn’t that prove to you that we’re manly and rarely go to the theater together?
Me: What is one statistic you look for most when choosing players for fantasy baseball?
Stone Cold: I look for players we get a lot of walks and never hit home runs. Moneyball baby! (Stone Cold is first in the league in batter walks and last in home runs hit)
Me: Is there any player on your team that you have become a fan of because of this season?
Stone Cold: I’m really into Kevin Youkilis. He’s had lingering injuries all season long and having him on my disabled list makes it look like I have more players on my team. Quantity over quality!
Me: If you win, what do you plan to spend the prize money on?
Stone Cold: A new Eric Lindros Philadelphia Flyers jersey.
Post draft I claimed that Team Gold appeared to be the worst team in the league. A lot of this had to do with the fact that Team Gold had to leave the draft after five rounds to satisfy his wife. I don’t mean that in a dirty way or anything either. He probably had to watch a crappy reality show with her. At first it appeared my prediction was correct. Team Gold got off to an 0-2 start. Ever since though, Team Gold has been on a hot streak. Here’s the interview I made up with them for this week.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how great was it? If no, who do you blame?
Team Gold: I won one league once that I signed up for. I ran the whole league and managed all of the teams. I’m not sure if that counts as winning though.
Me: Which player on your team has surprised you the most?
Team Gold: Paul Goldschmidt. He’s hitting .338 with 12 home runs and I didn’t play him on Friday when he hit two home runs. Instead I had Garret Jones in the lineup at first base and Russell Martin as the utility man. Do you understand now why I have to manage every team in order to win?
Me: Which team do you feel is the most dangerous in the league? Which team do you feel is the weakest?
Team Gold: I crunched some numbers and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages is the best team in the league. They have the highest number in the win column. That’s actually all I looked at. The weakest is probably the Houston Asterisks or Drunkin’ Drafters. They have the smallest number in the win column.
Me: Exactly why did you have to leave the draft early?
Team Gold: The whole wife thing was an excuse. There was an American Idol results show on and I enjoy tracking everything down in an excel spreadsheet. I can’t just put it on as background noise. It’s more than a singing contest. It’s entertaining on all levels.
Me: Any plans to go to the movies with Stone Cold any time soon?
Team Gold: We never plan to go to the movies together. I’m not sure where you heard that from. We more or less just decide to go on a whim. There’s a big difference.
Me: You don’t lead the league in any statistic. How are you still in fourth place?
Team Gold: I’m holding a gypsy hostage. It’s not against the rules. I made sure to check with ESPN.
Me: If you win, what do you plan to spend the prize on?
Team Gold: Movie tickets for me and Stone Cold.
Whenever Jay Leno, David Letterman, or that unfunny guy from Saturday Night Live who sings bad songs has on more than one guest, it’s always difficult to equally interview everyone there. Usually whoever sits closest to the desk gets the brunt of the questions. For this interview I feared that I would have the same problem. Then I heard the news. The two team owners of Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages (Jimmy & Dean) who were once simply Bosom Buddies underwent surgery earlier in the week to combine into one super force. That’s right, like being gay, black, or stupid, these two men have chosen to become Siamese Twins.
Since they are now one and share everything with each other like a husband and wife would (still unsure which one wears the pants in this team), all questions asked of them were of a mutual agreement.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how great was it? If no, who do you blame?
JDVS: Yes, last year we won. Really, Jimmy won but we share everything in our lives together now, even our pasts. It was glorious to win. I guess you wouldn’t know, would you loser?
Me: What player on your team has been your favorite so far?
JDVS: Ryan Madson has been our favorite player. He’s spent the entire year on the Disabled List and didn’t play at all last season. We have really high hopes for him despite the odds of his elbow giving out on his first pitch being pretty high.
Me: Which team in the league do you think is the worst?
JDVS: All other teams are the worst because they are managed by only one person. We are managed by two people. Two is better than one. (they then gazed into each other’s eyes then giggled)
Me: What else do you guys do together other than manage a fantasy baseball team?
JDVS: What don’t we do together? Seriously, we’ve got a mole-checking session scheduled with each other later on today.
Me: Have you ever had an interesting story involving meeting a professional athlete?
JDVS: About a decade ago we sold cocaine to Ken Caminiti.
Me: Which one of you would win in a fight?
JDVS: It would be a draw. Our tickle fights always end with a truce.
Me: If you win, what do you plan on spending the money on?
JDVS: We’ll buy a van together then drive around the country for a year, just us, hoping to forget about the world.
I knew this week I would actually get a response if I asked one of my opponents to fill out my brief interview questions since I’ve known this guy the second longest of anyone in the league. My opponent this week happened to be my best friend, person I’ve talked to longest that I am not related to, writing-buddy, book cover maker, etc. The Miami Carlins, Team Boyle, and Houston Asterisks are all in a silent and untalked about and unnamed stable of fantasy baseball teams. We have yet to do anything corrupt like trade all of our best players onto one team, but the rest of the league knows the threat is there.
Everybody has gotten a theme so far this season and this will be the Houston Asterisks’s theme, things that deserve an asterisk. The picture below or similar ones will be used to represent the team throughout the season.
Here is the interview I did with the GM of the Houston Asterisks.
Me: Have you ever won a season of fantasy baseball before? If yes how great was it? If no, who do you blame and what’s your problem?
Houston Asterisks: I can’t remember. I know I was in leagues before, but I can’t remember if I won or even paid attention to the league after the first 3 weeks. I have a short attention span, case in point is when this interview suddenly stops after question 4. (he made me wait a half-hour to get the rest of the interview, that’s how you sell a joke)
Me: Which player on your team do you hate the most?
Houston Asterisks: Zack Greinke. It does not help that I have him in both of the leagues I am playing in. I’m convinced that all the other managers I am playing against paid off Carlos Quentin. Pre-Greinke injury I would have said Adam LaRoche. That worthless sonnabitch is a complete turd.
Me: Which player on your team do you like the most?
Houston Asterisks: Coco Crisp. I had little knowledge of current players going into this league, and Coco was the only player I really had my heart set on drafting. Of course this is only because he has a funny (or more accurately, a name I find funny).
Me: Which team in the league do you believe is the best? Which team do you think is the worst? Get as trashy and mean as you feel is necessary.
Houston Asterisks: I believe that your Miami Carlins are the best team in the league. This is simply based on the fact you are dominating the two leagues that you are in. The worst (besides myself) is Team Boyle because I beat them last week. If my team beats you, you know there is something seriously wrong.
Me: You picked Coco Crisp because of his name. Considering he is the top scoring position player, do you regret not having guys like Doug Fister on your team now?
Houston Asterisks: I do regret not filling my team with other funny named players, but on the other hand I would not want to be hampered with Conor Gillaspie, Juan Pierre, and Jarrod Saltalamacchia.
Me: Have you ever met a professional athlete and if so was there an interesting story behind it?
Houston Asterisks: I met Don Mattingly at a card show when I was little. I ran up to him and called him “Don Maggey”. I was young so it was cute. If I did it now it would be Asperger’s with a speech impediment.
Me: If you win what would you spend your winnings on?
Houston Asterisks: Hookers and blow. Not necessarily in that order.
The league has formed a coupe against me. I knew this to be true sometime when nobody would answer my questions. They’re jealous of the love America has for the Miami Carlins. Luckily, these interviews can still take place because recently I was hit by a car and now have the ability to read minds. Don’t ask me how that works. The following interview was not submitted by The Fuzzy Taints, it has telepathically without his permission been answered.
Me: Have you ever won in a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how awesome was it? If no, why not?
The Fuzzy Taints: No I never have won. The last league I was in we had to pay for every transaction. I had to take out a second mortgage on my home after the first week. I’ve been eating canned beans ever since because it’s all I can afford.
Me: Which player are you counting on helping you out most this season?
The Fuzzy Taints: Everyone in free agency. No one in particular.
Me: Are you excited to play your brother [Drunkin’ Drafters] when that comes around next week?
The Fuzzy Taints: Yes I am. I plan to go easy on him by limiting my transactions that week.
Me: Is there any player that has disappointed you so far this season?
The Fuzzy Taints: Josh Hamilton has done pretty bad. I wanted to drop him and pick up a low-level guy who was having a good week, but they blocked me from doing it. How am I supposed to win when I cannot pick up a guy who is having a good week?
Me: Which team do you think is the best in the league? Which team do you think is the worst? Get as cocky as you want.
The Fuzzy Taints: Clearly I am the best team in the league. I have made 59 transactions this season. The next closest is 22. The worst team is probably Cecil Cantrell. He’s only made 1 move all year long. It’s like he’s thrown in the towel already.
Me: You seem to drop players then pick them up then drop them all in the matter of 10 minutes. Are you always this indecisive? Why are you doing this?
The Fuzzy Taints: I do it because it confuses everyone else in the league. If they think I’m weird they will not expect me to come from behind in the end and beat them. It’s simple math.
Me: That didn’t answer the question, but okay. If you win, what will you spend the loot on?
The Fuzzy Taints: Someone to make precise and definite decisions for me.
Coming into today, the Carlins maintain a 172-146 lead. Justin Verlander pitched very well for the Drunkin’ Drafters, but picked up the loss while David Price pitched poorly and got a No Decision. Now that I got the boring score out of the way, here is the made-up interview I did with Drunkin’ Drafters general manager since for the second straight week I got no response. I’m starting to think there’s a coupe against me.
The above image will be used to represent Drunkin’ Drafters throughout the season. I realized last night I had yet to designate him an image so this is now his. It’s relevant because ownership adores the Mets and who is a greater Met other than convicted criminal Darryl Strawberry?
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how awesome was it? If no, who do you blame?
Me: Which player so far this season has disappointed you most?
Me: What team in our league do you think looks the best? What team in our league do you think looks the worst? Get as cocky or trashy as you want.
Me: Do you have any memorable experiences when meeting a professional athlete, baseball or otherwise, that you would like to share?
Me: How do you feel about your brother [The Fuzzy Taints] making all of the random drops and free agent singings?
Me: You’re a Mets fan, why?
Me: If you win what do you plan on spending your winnings on?
Drunkin’ Drafters: Remaking this video!