Category: Miami Marlins

Another Quick Lead

After the first day of games this week, the Miami Carlins had a 56-3 lead over The Fuzzy Taints. After day two, the lead diminished only by 5 points. The current score is 108-60 in favor of America’s Fantasy Baseball Team, the Miami Carlins.

It wasn’t so much Fuzzy Taints management that screwed these first two days up. Toni Cingrani pitched great but was issued a no decision. Ross Detweiler and RA Dickey took losses to each receive only 6 points. The “RD-RD Boys” as they have called themselves in an attempt to be clever combined for only a dozen points, nearly wasting two starts. Worst of all was AJ Griffin who on Monday ended the day with -6 points.

“I’m an adult and I go by the name AJ,” said Griffin yesterday before Tuesday’s contests. “It’s kind of a hint that I’m not going to pitch very well.”

On the Miami Carlins side of things everything has been peachy. Matt Moore pitched Monday and leads the team with 31 points. Yesterday, Mike Minor and Cole Hamels earned 18 and 17 respectfully. Hamels was the hard-luck loser, but still earned more points than some winning pitchers will.

Offensively Nelson Cruz leads the way with 12 points. Allen Craig isn’t too far behind with 8 which is great because Craig has struggled for much of this season.

“It always takes me a little while to get warmed up,” says Craig. “Just ask my wife!”

We tried contacting Craig’s wife and it turns out he is unmarried. Craig is undergoing a psychological test later today to see if he is indeed imagining a different life for himself off the field which could be a reason behind his struggles.

“It was a joke!” yelled Craig as he was dragged away whilst in a straight-jacket.


(Really shouldn’t it have been his bat pictured here?)

Today Yu Darvish takes the mound for the Carlins. Brandon Morrow is scheduled to pitch, but was asked to sit this one out and watch how a real man pitches, Yu Darvish.

I would also like to point out that in only 3 “games” I have won all three. In 21 games, the Miami Marlins have won 5 games. That’s not so much a compliment to myself as it is the realization of just how bad they are.

The Miami Marlins and the Tale of the Missing Clean-Up Hitter

The Miami Marlins made an important announcement today,

Could it be something that could get Giancarlo Stanton to stay?

With the season less than a week away,

The Marlins of Miami have selected a clean-up hitter that will make pitchers pay.

Going the untraditional route,

The Miami Marlins chose a guy as slow as a newt,

Placido Polanco is the new recruit,

I can hear it already, the stands in Miami going mute.

To bat fourth in a lineup you must have power,

When a curveball comes at them at 88 miles per hour

A clean-up hitter does not cower,

Instead they hit the ball so high it brings a rain shower.

Polanco is not a guy who should be hitting number four,

He missed most of last season with an entire body that was sore,

A clean-up hitter is supposed to help their team outscore,

By 2014 season tickets in Miami will be sold no more.

The Marlins are pathetic and their owner sucks too,

He traded away their best players to the Jays so Blue,

Jeffrey Loria clearly does not have a clue,

Send him to the minors, I hear there’s an opening in Kalamazoo.

Nothing against Polanco I’ve met him and he’s nice,

I just have a feeling he’ll be out injured trying to heal himself with RICE,

Best of luck to the Marlins your tragic story does entice,

With this terrible team you’re putting out in 2013, charging your fans a dime is still an overprice.

Jeffrey Loria

(Those sunglasses cost more than his starting rotation)

Teams to Avoid

In my last post I mentioned teams I thought would do well enough this season offensively that picking players from these teams would be helpful because of the offense around them. Today I am doing the complete opposite. There are a few teams out there who offensively appear to be so bad it will rub off on the rest of the team. Call it some crazy theory, but picking players from the following teams may do more harm than you will ever bargain for.

Miami Marlins


The namesake of my fantasy team, the Marlins historically screwed South Florida by trading away Mark Buehrle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson to the Blue Jays for two pears, a Canadian penny, and a bag of used diabetes socks. Giancarlo “Don’t Call Me Mike” Stanton will be heading up this lineup with nearly nothing around him. Nobody expects the Marlins to do a single thing this season. They might be so bad they will finish 6th in the NL East. This may appear mathematically impossible, but we thought the same thing about a team trading away its core.

Houston Astros


This team looks to be historically bad. Shakespeare has considered rising from the dead to write a tragedy about them. The only name players they have in their lineup are Jed Lowrie and Carlos Pena. The rest of the team will be randomly picked from the stands. It’s been a while since the Astros were anything to brag about and things do not look to be getting much better. A move to the American League West, you know, the division with the Angels, Athletics, and Rangers who all made the playoffs last season, WILL prove disastrous for Houston.

New York Mets


The only positive to take away from the Mets’ lineup is that these players have been together for a while already. Unfortunately this is baseball where teamwork means less than the other sports. David Wright is the only shining star in this lineup as has been the case for some time now. The only way the Mets have a chance at putting up good offensive numbers this year is if they move the CitiField outfield walls in another 150 feet.