Category: Poetry

Zimmermann is Guilty

The verdict came in last night just before eight,

We all know where it was going after the second Dodger crossed home plate.

Jordan Zimmermann team captain of the Miami Carlins had so far been reliable,

When he took the mound a win was undeniable.

Then something happened, it got in his way,

Blame the All-Star Break, that boring week off I say.

Zimmermann took the mound and left it with negative 14 points at the end of the game,

If I had been the one pitching for the Nationals, the results would have been for the most part the same.

Team captain Zimmermann swears this was just a fluke,

There is no reason to trade him, take this team to a nuke.

Shit happens even to the best of us sometimes,

Hopefully later this week against the hapless Mets he once again shines.

Jeremy Guthrie and How Much I Hate Him

Jeremy Guthrie you had one job to do,

Jeremy Guthrie success this season for you was new,

Jeremy Guthrie why’d you have to get minus 8 points,

Jeremy Guthrie in your body I wish to break every joint.


That’s just a little poem to express my dismay for Jeremy Guthrie who was signed to replace Yu Darvish whose start was pushed back this week because Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington hates me. Jeremy Guthrie was going to pitch against the worst offense in baseball, the Chicago White Sox. He had already pitched a shutout against them a few weeks ago. This should have been a breeze. Instead he only lasted 2 1/3 innings. This was probably for the best because surely he would have given up even more runs and walked even more guys if he was in there for longer.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day where the Carlins got way out ahead. The team should have closer to 250 points. I’m not greedy. That’s all I expected. Instead Guthrie gets -8 points and Cole Hamels gets 7 in his loss. The bullpen was a saving grace of the team though. Joe Nathan and Grant Balfour got clean saves and Francisco Rodriguez for some reason was used in the 8th inning and pitched perfect with 2 strikeouts. By the end of the day’s games, the Carlins only lost 1 point on their lead over The Fuzzy Taints. The score rests 224-185 in favor of the Miami Carlins, but for how long?

The Fuzzy Taints have three starts left in their rotation. Jered Weaver played yesterday and only got 3 points so I’m going to hope this happens a few more times. The Carlins offense is do for a breakout day so I’m expecting that to happen too. I can only recall two times this season where offensive players on the Carlins hit two home runs in one game. Earlier this week with Nelson Cruz as well as earlier in the season with Carlos Gomez. It seems like it’s always happening against me though.

The final three starts for The Fuzzy Taints go today. Let’s hope the Astros, the Angels, and the Reds all have good steroid masking agents and corked bats ready to help me out. Maybe they could ask Jhonny Peralta and Nelson Cruz? After all, it was the paper trail that got them in trouble.

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright,

You pitched a one-hitter,

Now I feel in this week’s in the shitter,

Why’d you do this to me?

It Ain’t Right Cardinal’s Pitcher,

I know the reasons you did it which’re

The better you play the more richer

You get once your contract comes up.

It Ain’t Right Mister Ace,

I find it a little bit of a disgrace,

I can no longer look at your face,

You may have screwed me out of first place,

Gotta remind myself this season’s not a marathon but a race

And still ain’t working one bit.

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright,

You pitched the Rockies in tight,

Like a magician you’ve got the sleight,

Why’d you do this shit to me?



Toronto Blue Jays 2013 Pitching Rotation Thus Far

The Toronto Blue Jays went into 2013 with high hopes,

They added new players, including some veterans to show the younger guys the ropes.

Beginning this season their offensive was the envy of the league,

It brought the casual fan some intrigue.

The Vegas favorites to win it all,

A parade down their main street was already scheduled for this fall.

Thus far this season the pitching staff has given little reason

To root for this team might even seem

As if you are front-running

And even still, I find their pitching staff on paper quite stunning.

R.A. Dickey is their ace, he finished last season with great stats,

This season however, he’s up against some bigger bats.

Oh and two with an era at almost nine,

Things in Toronto are not looking fine.

Brandon Morrow pitched well during his first start this season,

His second however, he could be accused of treason.

Morrow’s ERA is still under six,

From the Miami Carlins team, I will not tell him yet to hit the bricks.

Mark Buehrle is next in this outstanding roster,

He has not been himself, I think it’s an impostor.

An earned run average over 10 is never good for anyone,

Could Buehrle’s time as a top flight pitcher already be done?

Josh Johnson is next, he had pitched well for the Marlins,

Luckily this week he’s going up against the enemy of the Carlins.

Si Hurricanes has him in their lineup you see,

He left after less than two innings and will most luckily earn the points, negative 1 then 3.

Finally there’s J.A. Happ, the team’s fifth starter,

He gave up no runs and is on his way to being a charter

Member of the rotation, one which has not lived up to the hype,

How long is it now before all of Canada begins to gripe?

blue jays pitchers


(Josh Johnson, R.A. Dickey, Mark Buehrle, Brandon Morrow, and Ricky Romero who is not mentioned in this poem as he is not currently in the rotation)

A Tiger’s Tale, Who Will Close?

Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland is in a pinch,

When Jose Valverde was here, his 9th inning decision was a cinch,

It didn’t take much work for them to take the AL Central with an early clinch,

Make the wrong decision this year, the Tiger fans may lynch.

Bruce Rondon failed to lock up the closer’s spot,

A surefire replacement, the Tigers have not,

Frustration we can hope does not give Leyland a blood clot,

Now let’s go over the options that this team has got.

Joaquin Benoit right now is tops in the depth chart,

He’s getting a bit old and when exiting the bullpen may need a golf cart,

But age does not matter as long as you have heart,

The best option for the Tigers may actually be to leave in whoever they start.

Next on the list the team has got Phil Coke,

That’s not even the best name in this bullpen, that’s no joke,

Al Albuquerque takes the cake as the funniest name of all the folk,

With so many indecisions looming, I worry Leyland will die mid-season of a stroke.

There’s Octavio Dotel who has some experience as a closer,

Lately though he’s been more of a poser,

The 9th inning man needs the strength of a bulldozer,

It’s truly an art form, they could call themselves a composer.

Brayan Villareal and Drew Smyly round out the bullpen,

I’m sure both are incredibly capable men,

I still get the feeling the 9th inning will come around and then,

We will see Jim Leyland will ask his starters if they can pitch up until inning ten.

Whoever will close this season is beyond me,

Will it be Joaquin Benoit, Phil Coke, Al Albuquerque?,

Or will it be Octavio Dotel, Brayan Villareal, or Drew Smyly?,

Will the closer be able to get the outs, he only needs three.


The Miami Marlins and the Tale of the Missing Clean-Up Hitter

The Miami Marlins made an important announcement today,

Could it be something that could get Giancarlo Stanton to stay?

With the season less than a week away,

The Marlins of Miami have selected a clean-up hitter that will make pitchers pay.

Going the untraditional route,

The Miami Marlins chose a guy as slow as a newt,

Placido Polanco is the new recruit,

I can hear it already, the stands in Miami going mute.

To bat fourth in a lineup you must have power,

When a curveball comes at them at 88 miles per hour

A clean-up hitter does not cower,

Instead they hit the ball so high it brings a rain shower.

Polanco is not a guy who should be hitting number four,

He missed most of last season with an entire body that was sore,

A clean-up hitter is supposed to help their team outscore,

By 2014 season tickets in Miami will be sold no more.

The Marlins are pathetic and their owner sucks too,

He traded away their best players to the Jays so Blue,

Jeffrey Loria clearly does not have a clue,

Send him to the minors, I hear there’s an opening in Kalamazoo.

Nothing against Polanco I’ve met him and he’s nice,

I just have a feeling he’ll be out injured trying to heal himself with RICE,

Best of luck to the Marlins your tragic story does entice,

With this terrible team you’re putting out in 2013, charging your fans a dime is still an overprice.

Jeffrey Loria

(Those sunglasses cost more than his starting rotation)