Category: San Francisco Giants

Pablo Sandoval You Fat S.O.B. I Love You

Pablo Sandoval has finally contributed. Last night, Miami Carlins third baseman and competitive eater Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs totally 25 points. After a Yu Darvish -1 pitching performance, Sandoval has helped the Carlins get back in it this week.

The score is currently tied at 141, the Carlins having used 5 starts and Stone Cold having used 4. It’s going to take a few good pitching performances and maybe even another fat bastard hitting three home runs. As it currently looks, Mike Minor and Cole Hamels will get the last two starts for the Carlins before the postseason begins next Monday. The Carlins pretty much need this win to secure a first round bye. A playoff spot, if my math is correct, has been secured since the Carlins have the tie-breaker over most teams.

For now though, let’s celebrate Pablo Sandoval. The next hamburger is on me kid.

Pablo Sandoval

Inconsistent Hitting Beats Good Pitching

The first day of this epic match-up between America’s Fantasy Baseball Team the Miami Carlins and the Dark Empire Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages has started off slow. JDVS leads 44-13, but keep in mind, it’s only one day and we’ve got 7 starts left to go as opposed to JDVS who is already down to 6.

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages produced big offensive numbers yesterday. Many of them coming off Madison Baumgartner, who oddly enough is on JDVS. The Phillies were playing the Giants and JDVS players Michael Young and Domonic Brown. It was a very strange situation for me as far as rooting interest goes. I didn’t want Baumgartner to pitch well because, well, he’s on JDVS. At the same time, I have him on my other team, the Atlanta Slaves. I’m also a fan of the Phillies so there’s that rooting interest as well. That’s the problem with fantasy baseball. Sometimes you find yourself rooting for and against the same person. It’s like when you have a real life enemy you want to see tortured by the government, but not killed. Maybe fantasy baseball is a tad more pleasant though.

Pitching today for the Carlins are Jordan Zimmermann and Ryan Dempster. Dempster may be called upon to start two games this week, but it’s unclear yet what the decision will be as I must still continue to weigh out the options. Tim Lincecum is available to pitch for JDVS, but I lost my ability to read minds and see the future when one of my enemies had me tortured by the government. I’ll have to wait until tonight to find out.



(Tim Lincecum is so thin sometimes the wind nearly knocks him over)

More News on Fat People

Miami Carlins starting third baseman has been getting a lot of attention this Spring Training. He’s not tearing it up on the field or anything. The only thing he’s tearing apart are Kit Kats. Once again I find an article online blasting me in the face about Sandoval’s weight.

pablo sandoval fat

Sandoval who the article claims is approximately 282 pounds at this point, is giving himself two years before he has to alter his diet. He’s waiting until he turns 30 to start losing weight. Huh? That’s two years of your career where you can focus on getting in better shape. If he starts today then by the time he is 30 he will be better than ever. I don’t understand this fat man’s logic.

Sandoval’s stubbornness to care about his own body frustrates me and I am sure it upsets San Francisco Giants’s manager Bruce Bochy even more.

“Pablo is so incredibly fat it’s sickening.” Bochy never said but probably thought. “When he comes into camp with his big fat stomach hanging over I want to send the bullpen out to punch him until he pukes out a few pounds.”

Being overweight has become acceptable in baseball. Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder has had lots of success being a big fat mess like his estranged father Cecil. The big difference between Fielder and Sandoval though is where they play on the field. Sandoval is a third baseman. This is a position that requires a lot more range and movement than first base. Sandoval was even too fat to be a catcher. How is someone too fat to squat down and not run anywhere? It’s the position where all the fat kids play.

“I tried giving him some advice on how to curb the cravings.” teammate Tim Lincecum never said. “I smoke a lot of pot, 420 BABY!!!, so I understand what it’s like to have this uncontrollable urges to be lazy and do nothing but eat. Pablo doesn’t have that excuse. The guy just eats because it’s what he does best.”

Waiting in the dugout in case Sandoval is not ready to go this season is Miami Carlins backup third baseman Mike Moustakas of the Kansas City Royals. If asked by reporters what he thought about entering the starting lineup, Moustakas would have probably said, “Wow, I have never been interviewed for anything ever before in my entire life. It’s pretty lonely here in Kansas City. Most people don’t even know there’s a team here.”

Fat People Elbows

I woke up to check my email and to my dismay the first article I viewed was one about Pablo Sandoval’s big fat elbow giving him problems. I know Pablo has a weight problem. I also know it’s okay to make fun of him for it because his job is to stay in shape. He gets paid millions to play a sport and he can’t even keep his weight down. He’s getting so fat it’s beginning to cut off circulation in his elbow. Or maybe forking food into his mouth continuously is doing some damage to the tendons. ¬†Whatever his reason for having a sore elbow is, it’s easy enough to blame how fat he is.

According to baseball reference Pablo Sandoval is 5’11 240 pounds. Usually the information on these things are from when they were drafted so who knows what he is now? I would guess he’s gained at least 20 pounds and shrunk 2 inches from his big fat stomach dragging him down.

Why was I stupid? I had a lot riding on Sandoval having a good season. Could he be headed elsewhere in this league? Will anyone take a big fat monster who damaged his elbow leaning on it while lying on the couch all off-season?

pablo sandoval