Category: Team Atlanta Slaves

Round 1 Playoff Results

I didn’t jump to post the results for a particular reason, it took me a week to leave my bedroom. The impossible happened. The Miami Carlins were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round by Team Gold. The score of the game, 324-290.

The final awards for this week look like this. Player of the Week goes to Jayson Werth with 29 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Mike Minor with 3 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Josh Donaldson with 37 points.

There was only one other game this week that mattered, my dad Team Boyle against Stone Cold. Miraculously, Team Boyle pulled out the victory. Even better, Team Boyle in Round 2 is headed toward victory against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. Their final score was 323-284. Imagine if my dad and I switched opponents. He would have just barely lost and I would have still been playing ball, actually winning too because JDVS is really getting their asses handed to them.

In Atlanta Slaves’ news…my minor league team has made it to the finals. Currently losing by a bit, the score is still pretty close in many categories. It’s going to come down to the wire for sure.

Next post, I will award the Miami Carlins postseason awards. I could wait until the end of the playoffs, but I know I will be so sad to see my dad beat everyone that I will lose the desire.

Week 21 Results

I didn’t do any updates this week because 1) I’ve become very busy and 2) I don’t want anyone knowing how much I suck. Team Gold rolled over my Miami Carlins. We barely stood a chance. The final score was 346-290. Fortunately by the end of yesterday I wasn’t the second top scoring team, which would have made things a lot more frustrating.

Player of the Week goes to Jhoulys Chacin with 32 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Brandon Moss with 33 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Grant Balfour who had 3 saves yet finished with 0 points this week due to a blown save/loss combination.

Let’s take a look at scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks played spoiler, defeating Stone Cold 326-262

Team Boyle got into the final playoff spot with a 228-168 win over Si Hurricanes

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages decided to help me out with a 300-235 win over The Fuzzy Taints

Drunkin’ Drafter all but eliminated Cecil Cantrell from the post season by defeating them 300-240

The Miami Carlins still have the second bye week and in order to keep it a few things will have to happen. The Carlins will need to either 1) Win or 2) Need Drunkin’ Drafters and Team Boyle to lose. I have done the math and it is almost impossible for the Carlins to not at least make the playoff, even if in the final position.

Some brief Atlanta Slaves news:

The Slaves have officially clinched a playoff spot! Right now the Slaves are 2 games behind two teams tied in first place. There is still a strong battle for the final playoff spot in the league, but the struggle for the Slaves is over, at least until next week.

This is the final week for both the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves. Both teams will make the playoffs, since the Carlins will win the tie-breakers thanks to their high-scoring ways. This final week matches the Carlins against Stone Cold, a team in a similar position as the Carlins, except they are so far out they will not get a bye week. Stone Cold ignored my trade request so this is a little personal for me. I have a chance to ruin his summer.

pip rain stayed away!

Week 20 Results

We’re nearing the end of the season and the playoffs are less than 2 weeks away. If I have my way, in 2 week the Miami Carlins will have a bye week. Week 20 didn’t help any as the Miami Carlins lost the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 355-322.

Player of the Week honors go to Ian Kinsler with 24 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Evan Longoria with 33 points aka the amount I lost by. Disappointment of the Week goes to Wade Miley with 8 points. It was a close battle for this award and I almost gave it to the Starlin Castro/Jose Iglesias combo. Miley wins it because he couldn’t even beat the Phillies and because of his twerking performance at the VMAs.



Now for scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks fought Team Gold and earned a win, 320-293

Team Boyle snuck their way back into a possible playoff spot with a 309-216 win over Cecil Cantrell

Stone Cold narrowed out Drunkin’ Drafters 274-256

Si Hurricanes got their first win since…I can’t count that high. They beat The Fuzzy Taints, 342-243

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

The Slaves lost their first place position, but are only 3.5 games out of first. The playoffs are near inevitable, unless there is an epic collapse. The only prize in this league is a ring and I have gross fingers so I’m going more for pride.

This week the Miami Carlins face off against Team Gold. Already the Carlins trail 46-26, but still have all 7 starts while Team Gold has already used one. The way I see it, one more win and the Carlins clinch a playoff bye. Most likely The Fuzzy Taints and Drunkin’ Drafters will not catch-up in points scored, the first tie-breaker used to determine playoff positioning. Here’s hoping the Carlins can close this thing out a week early.

Week 19 Results

The Miami Carlins won during Week 19 and what else is there to say? We have made it hell for the Si Hurricanes this season, beating them all three times. I will show some mercy and just get onto the weekly wrap-up. The final score was 291-223 by the way. Thought I should let you know how flattened they are.

Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish who finished with 54 points, mostly because of his pitching performance on Monday which netted him 40 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro and Jose Iglesias who combined for -4 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Joe Mauer with 31 points. Thank goodness he’s on the Atlanta Slaves.

Scores from around the league time? I think so:

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly beat out the Houston Asterisk 302-297

Team Boyle pushed closer to .500 with a 297-240 win over Stone Cold

The Fuzzy Taints got themselves back over .500 with a win over Cecil Cantrell, 316-274

Team Gold did my team a favor by beating Drunkin’ Drafters, 288-260

New from the Atlanta Slaves? Let’s get on with it!

The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place by a half game. What more is there to say? We’ve been consistent and with the playoffs only a few weeks away we look to win the prize the league is giving out, nothing.

Week 20 sees the Miami Carlins facing the hated rivals Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. We’re off to a bad start this week, much thanks to team captain Jordan Zimmermann. What happened to that guy? I blame his brother George.

George Zimmerman


Bill Paxton Says It All

I haven’t updated this week at all because 1) I have been busy and 2) There has been nothing good to report on at all. Right now after both the Miami Carlins and Cecil Cantrell have used 6 of their 7 starts, the score is a hefty 200-137. I said there was nothing good to report so take a guess who has the fatter number.

The only hope now is for the Carlins to get a perfect game, Cecil Cantrell to get a negative pitching performance, and just about everyone in every game hits for the cycle. Things aren’t going well at all in Atlanta Slaves territory as the team is hitting only .199 this week. I also forgot to adjust the roster today and missed out on a 3 for 5 day for Marco Scutaro. I suck. I am putting life ahead of fantasy baseball.

Bill Paxton says it all…

Week 17 Results

Week 17 was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I’ll be Hollywood and cut to the chase. The Miami Carlins defeated Stone Cold 367-255. In the few posts I did this week I basically said why the score was the way it was. The Carlins were great and Stone Cold simply was not.

Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman with 37 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Shane Victorino who also had 37 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Allen Craig who only totaled 3 points in his time he spent in the lineup which was every day except the day he scored 14 points. Ugh.

Now for scores from around the league:

Cecil Cantrell narrowed out Houston Asterisk 237-227

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages made Team Boyle’s life miserable, beating them 367-236

Team Gold moved up to the third place in the league with a win over The Fuzzy Taints, 289-261

Drunkin’ Drafters piled on the points against Si Hurricanes with a final score 291-207

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place! It’s only by 2.5 games, but still something to celebrate.

This week the Miami Carlins will play Cecil Cantrell, the team that the Miami Carlins beat before to end their bad losing streak midseason. It’s important to pick up as many wins down the stretch. The way I see it, two more wins secures a playoff spot, but of course that’s not good enough. Right now the Carlins have a one game lead over The Fuzzy Taints for the West Division lead, something I hope to keep.

Week 16 Results

The weeks where I get off to a nice start then lose are the worst. Week 16 was one of those weeks. The final score was an eye-pleasing 500-430. Bad pitching for the Carlins plus good pitching for Team Gold contributed to this lopsided score.  I’m tired and sad and don’t want to analyze things anymore. Team Gold has the distinction of being the only team to be the Carlins twice this season. We face off one more time, and you better believe I will be ready.

Player of the Week goes to Carlos Gomez with 41 points. Enemy of the Week goes to the recently acquired Jose Fernandez who earned 59 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Jordan Zimmermann who after two starts finished with -4 points, including one start being -14 points.

The scores from around the league look like this:

Stone Cold beat Houston Asterisks 529-426

Team Boyle got to .500 with a 478-358 victory

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages got back to their winning ways with a 536-510 victory over The Fuzzy Taints

Drunkin’ Drafters squeezed their way into a potential playoff spot by beating Cecil Cantrell 536-458

New from the Atlanta Slaves:

The Slaves are now only 2 games back of the division lead. After a few trades to balance out the team, adding speed and batting average, the Slaves look to be a real threat in the playoffs.

This week the Miami Carlins will face off against Stone Cold. Last time around Stone Cold picked up a late week victory. This time around, I’m going to have to “heat it up” and “chill them out.” Is it obvious that I’m rushing this by adding puns?

The 2013 Home Run Derby

Congratulations to Atlanta Slaves outfielder Yoenis Cespedes for winning the 2013 home run derby last night. Your .230 batting average, or whatever pathetic number it is, gave you no right to be there in the first place. You did a good job taking advantage of the system you Cuban firecracker!


Week 14 Results

Back-to-back wins for the Miami Carlins! Sure, the first was against a team with 3 wins this season and this week was against a team with 2 wins, but it still feels right and the way things should be. The final score was in Week 14 was Miami Carlins over the Si Hurricanes 317-157. Si Hurricanes gave up halfway through the week. Certainly though 317 points is nothing to scoff about. The Miami Carlins are back to their high scoring ways. And this week coming up, we will need it.

Player of the Week honors go to Matt Moore who earned 51 points for the team. Disappointment of the Week goes to Jhonny Peralta who earned 2 points. Peralta has seen a lot of starting time at short stop lately and this week was the first he let me down. Enemy of the Week goes to Bud Norris. Nobody on the Si Hurricanes scored very high. Considering Norris scored the most and happens to be a pitcher on the worst pitching staff in baseball, I have reason enough to hate him.

Now for some scores from around the league:

Team Boyle beat Stone Cold 320-226

The Fuzzy Taints showed no mercy against Cecil Cantrell, picking up a 363-174 win

Drunkin’ Drafters had little problems beating Team Gold with a final score of 290-229

And in shocking fashion, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages barely held on to beat Houston Asterisks 313-306

The playoff picture in the league is changing and will continue to. Four teams are tied with the second best record at 8-6. It’s an all-out battle between The Fuzzy Taints and the Miami Carlins for the second place bye week. Team Gold and Stone Cold will be the ones looking to get the second place spot in the East Division. For the Si Hurricanes and Houston Asterisks, all they can really do is play spoiler. Drunkin’ Drafters and Cecil Cantrell are on the edge of a playoff spot and have the opportunity to either go up or down now. It’s looking to be an edge of your seat finale.

Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves lost a few games in the standings, but they did move up to 2nd place. Of course, moving up to 2nd place means nothing because 2nd and 3rd play each other and there’s no home field advantage. Things in that league have spread out a bit more and the Atlanta Slaves are the only team continuing to keep pace.

This upcoming week the Miami Carlins will be playing Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. If we took the scores from this week, we will have a win. It’s a very vital week, especially because The Fuzzy Taints play the Si Hurricanes. A loss by the Miami Carlins and a win for The Fuzzy Taints knocks my team out of first place in the division. We’re going to have to remember to say our prayers and take our vitamins this week. The season could be on the line.

97q/42/hepp/9065/04(These kids are on Team Carlins)

Week 13 Results


Normally this wouldn’t be big news, especially the way this season started. Then the team took a nose dive and it’s exciting to win again. The final score was 293-142 over the Houston Asterisks. The Asterisks’ score was possibly the lowest scoring week for any team this season. Two bad pitching performances from Trevor Cahill contributed to that.

Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman who put up a team high 28 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Pablo Sandoval. Kung Fu Panda recently came off the disabled list and put up -4 points for the Carlins this week. Thank goodness for Matt Carpenter. Enemy of the Week goes to Nick Swisher and his 22 points. Swisher put up big numbers during a doubleheader on Friday, helping to contribute to a big scoring day for the Asterisks.

Now for scores from around the league:

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly escaped a victory over Stone Cold 340-337

Cecil Cantrell had no problems with Si Hurricanes, defeating them 319-194

Team Gold knocked Team Boyle out of the final playoff spot with a 320-248 victory

In the battle of brothers, The Fuzzy Taints took care of Drunkin’ Drafters, 331-294

At this point I am rooting for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages to continue to win. They are so far ahead of everyone else that I need other teams to lose to ensure a playoff spot for myself. The league is still generally close and the Carlins still have the second bye week, a reward given to division leaders. The rest of the games are outside the division this season which makes this very interesting. I mean, interesting by fantasy baseball standards. I’m not sure how interesting it is on the ground scale of life.

Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves jumped up a game and a half in the standings with a big win this past week. Right now one team trails by a game, the Slaves trail by 1.5 games and the final playoff spot trails by 13. Anything can happen still as 16 wins are up for grabs every week. As long as the Slaves remain consistent we will be seeing playoff baseball.

This week’s match-up is against the last place team in the league, the Si Hurricanes. When I woke up this week there were flash flood warnings and torrential downpour. The first game hasn’t even happened yet and already they are out for vengeance. Thank goodness I’m a hermit. Hurricanes cannot beat me.