It’s time to get back to the grind of updating this site with scoring, league controversies, and made-up interviews with players. I am also writing things and submitting them to Yahoo and whenever they get rejected they will land here.
Anyway, this extended week against Team Gold has started off well. Right now the score is 99-55. I have noticed a huge difference though. Pitchers are struggling while hitters are thriving. The warm weather may have something to do with this. For instance, the Drunkin’ Drafters have already scored 184 points while using 4 starts. Granted, those 4 were high scoring.
“This is the time of year when the teams with a good offense end up with wins,” said Miami Carlins manager me. Oh. I’m quoting myself. “I’m confident in my team that our offense can stand against any out there. We currently have 1 or 2 guys on our bench that could start on every other team in the league. Sometimes It’s hard to get them all in there. Do you want to see pictures of my kids?”
For any ladies reading, I do not have kids. I just know the best way to get rid of reporters is to ask them if they want to see pictures of family members that are not model wives.
Today Jordan Zimmermann and Mike Minor pitch for the Carlins. Team Gold may still be stuck in All-Star game mode, having missed out on two starts yesterday that would have given them a temporary lead.
In other news, a brief argument erupted at the summer meetings. In our league we have summer meetings instead of winter meetings. We mostly do this for the air conditioning. The first trade of the season was made. Team Boyle shipped Adrian Beltre and Rafael Betancourt to the Houston Asterisks for Troy Tulowitzki and Tim Hudson. Rafael Betancourt was so excited about playing for a team with a real name that he jumped for joy then landed funny on his ankle. He is now on the disabled list.
The trade was approved by the league, however Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages voiced their anger at the trade.
“Blah blah blah not fair. Blah blah blah something nobody cares. Blah blah blah I sent a private message by accident to everyone in the league after the fact,” said Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages about the trade.
No other trades have been made, although the Carlins have been in talks with several squadrons. It appears unless the right match-up comes along, most teams will stick with what they have.
The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?
Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.
The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.
In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.
Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.
Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.
Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.
Moving along to the East Division now…
First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.
Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.
Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.
Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.
Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.
Let’s make this quick and not dwell on the terrible past. Team Boyle won 377-257. I didn’t have a chance.
Player of the Week honors (ha!) go to Yu Darvish who totaled 44 points in his two starts. Disappointment of the week (oh boy, how do we narrow this down?) goes to Jordan Zimmermann who earned -2 points. He’s way overdue for Player of the Week so I feel bad giving him this first, but it’s not like he reads this so screw it. Enemy of the Week goes to Cliff Lee who earned 61 points.
Before you go jump off a bridge because I’m sure you’re taking all of your fantasy baseball knowledge from me, let me explain what went wrong and why I lost.
1) Team Boyle scored a lot of points. He would have been anybody this week.
2) Matt Moore started a game, pitched 1 inning, and then there was a long rain delay which took away a lot of points from me.
3) Jordan Zimmermann had his first bad pitching performance.
4) Cole Hamels.
5) Starlin Castro, Andrew McCutchen, Carlos Santana, and Pablo Sandoval all combined for a total of 9 points.
That’s all I have to say about this week from hell.
Let me give you some scores from around the league so you know I’m not the lone loser this week:
Team Gold continued their hot streak by taking out Cecil Cantrell 325-244
In a battle of last place, Drunkin’ Drafters beat the “refusing to take the field” Houston Asterisks 254-176
Stone Cold defeated The Fuzzy Taints to help keep the Miami Carlins in a bye week position. The final score, 306-283
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages gave Si Hurricanes a tough loss, beating them 334-294
In Atlanta Slaves News:
My Yahoo league team is finally out of first place for the first time since Week 2. It was a great run and I’m still only 4.5 games out and will be playing the last place team this week. The only thing to change since my losing streak in both leagues is that I started working which is weird because it hasn’t really affected my names much at all. Could this be a sign from God that I should play fantasy baseball full-time? I think it is.
This week I go up against Cecil Cantrell, a team that has proven to be an admirable opponent. After their loss this last week, they will be looking to rebound. It’s the league commissioner so if I lose I will no doubt say he has somehow messed with the software. Good luck to me. I’m really in need of a big win because a loss could inch me closer to being out of the playoffs completely.
Braves players and Team Boyle draft picks (Upton has since been released) Dan Uggla and BJ Upton have a combined batting average of .167, which is really pathetic for two months into the season and the amount of money they’re making. Braves pitchers have a combined batting average of .181. Thought I’d let the world know how pathetic it is that I’m about to lose to a team that had these two guys on it.
The weather this week has matched how the Miami Carlins have done. I’ll go into further details during my weekly wrap-up when I have more time. Luckily I have been busy this week and not staring at a computer screen watching my team crumble.
I trailed Team Boyle 287-174 and think there should be a 100 point mercy rule instated so I can get started on next week.
It’s been long fabled that during the summer months is when the ball travels further, batting averages go up, and pitchers cower on the mound whenever someone with biceps thicker than his waist shows up with a club. I’m not sure how true this actually is. On one end for the Carlins so far this week though, it’s been pretty accurate.
Is it possible to forfeit this week and start adding on points for next week I wonder as I trail Team Boyle 215-97. It’s not so much even I’m having a terrible week as much as he’s having an amazing one. That’s not to say that this week isn’t going bad. There’s bad, terrible, and then there’s dreadful. We’re approaching dreadfulness. I’m doing whatever I can not to get there.
So what’s been going wrong this week? Yu Darvish pitched well in his one start earning 25 points. Matt Carpenter who has stepped in for Ian Kinsler has already earned 19 points this week. Where’s the bad? Everything else.
The only people who seem to be hitting are the Carlins bench players. When added into the starting lineup, they struggle. I find it’s better to not mix things up too much and to stick with batter vs. pitcher stats and to keep your lineup the same for the majority of the time. I guess it depends on your personality. I would regret more taking out Andrew McCutchen and seeing him hit 2 home runs from the bench more than I’d get excited about starting Daniel Nava and seeing him do the same. Maybe this is a sense of self-doubt I have where I hate to blame myself? That I can blame Team Boyle for. He is my dad after-all and the one responsible for teaching me to not care about anything like a real man should do.
The bad this week came when Jordan Zimmermann got -2 points last night for the Carlins. He was cruising along into the 6th inning on pace for a win when Team Boyle player Chris Davis took him deep twice. The last time I played Team Boyle Chris Davis was a real pain too. Chris Davis was almost traded last week for Justin Masterson on Stone Cold, but the trade didn’t go through after Masterson failed his physical.
“Masterson has nothing to worry about healthwise despite failing the physical,” said Team Boyle team doctors. “He just needs to get that alien offspring cut out from his insides before it explodes through his stomach.”
When asked about the alien he was impregnated with, Masterson declined to comment. His declining came when he swatted his claw at reporters ask the question.
(Justin Masterson, or as the alien species Xih Hun 7 call him, Carrier Patient 54)
It may sound like a cop-out, but I don’t mind giving Team Boyle a victory if I have to. He only has 3 starts left and I still have 5 so I could get lucky. At least Team Boyle hasn’t bragged too much. I guess he knows if he gets on my nerves I could always stop talking to him and then who would take care of him when he’s incontinent? Yes. Things are starting to get real personal in this league.
There are more important things right now in the league than defeating Team Boyle. The score right now is 60-58, but that’s irrelevant. I almost do not mind tossing my dad a bone and giving him a win, especially now that I see the division winners are the ones who get the first round bye. The West Division is a three team division for the most part. The Drunkin’ Drafters and Houston Asterisks are only 3 games behind, but that’s a lot more than it looks to take out three other teams. Those teams of course are the first place Miami Carlins, The Fuzzy Taints who are the lone team to defeat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, and Team Boyle who spends too much time looking at his team’s scores.
Speaking of Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, last night the Jimmy part of the two-headed monster posted something on the league message board. He posted a poll asking who the Miami Carlin’s team song should be. The choices:
1) The Pretender – The Foo Fighters
2) Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty
3) Help! – The Beatles
I don’t take kindly to insults, especially when it comes to insulting millionaires I have selected to help me win a few hundred bucks and more importantly, pride.
I took the task of coming up with a cordial response that was both genuine and insulting. Each team has their own interesting aspect. It took a while to find these out since I don’t know everyone in person so there are qualities they have that I must latch onto. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausage’s quality is the fact two men run the team together. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the only things two men should ever run together are a relay race and after a woman trying to escape from the crawl space. That’s if you’re doing a whole Henry Lee and Otis serial killer type killing spree. This isn’t about what Jimmy & Dean do in their spare time to hookers though. This is about my response.
“I prefer to remain positive:
Time is on my Side – The Rolling Stones
Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who (in reference to starting Cole Hamels twice in one week)
Everbody Hurts [Sometimes] – R.E.M.
Patience – Guns N Roses
I’m still working on a song for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, a squadron we should all respect for their teamwork. I have it narrowed down to a few:
Two Hearts Beat as One – U2
Two Princes – The Spin Doctors
Two Become One – The Spice Girls
Come Together – Aerosmith
Just the Two of Us – The Will Smith version
Every song Nickelback has done”
For the record, I do know many Spice Girls. I have a sister who grew up in the 90s. I did not know Two Become One though. It still seemed well enough to add in because why would two men ever want a Spice Girls song as their theme? I’ll tell you who. Two men who run a fantasy baseball team together.
I didn’t even touch on ABBA, The Village People, or anyone from American Idol. There is still plenty of bad music out there. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages wants to gang up on me? Let’s see how that goes.
(Sadly I do remember this song and even worse I didn’t think they used a green screen and was wondering how they got them to walk so slowly for the passage of time behind them)