Category: Team Boyle
Week 1 Results
The first week of the season was a tumultuous one. Things between father and son went back and forth. Team Boyle got off to an early lead, Miami Carlins came back only to lose that lead. Going into the final day, Miami Carlins were ahead by 20 points with two starts left.
I am proud to announce that week one was a win for the Miami Carlins! The final score 329-283. Things did not come down to the wire as much as I thought they might. A fantastic offensive showing by catcher Carlos Santana during the day as well as Ian Kinsler adding some during the last game of the week helped secure an easy victory for the Miami Carlins squadron. Cole Hamels had me worried earlier in the day and Yu Darvish got off to a poor start. Stars aligned and what needed to happen happened, Miami Carlins are off to a great start.
Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish. He was my top scorer with 56 points. Two wins plus his near perfect outing helped earn him this honor.
Enemy of the Week goes to Chris Davis. I didn’t really trash the guy at all, but he put up an astonishing 49 points. He’s leading the league in nearly every offensive category, maybe all of them even. I don’t hate him as much as I do other players on Team Boyle so I let him be.
Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro. I picked Castro early in the draft so I have high expectations for the man who has played like a boy. He only contributed 6 points to the team. Could back-up Alexei Ramirez see extra playing time?
(Sorry pal. Please don’t make that face.)
Now for scores around the league:
SI Hurricanes brought the storm to Stone Cold 337-231
Drunkin’ Drafter stumbled his way ahead of Houston Asterisks 286-235
Cecil Cantrell shaved off a victory to The Fuzzy Taints 312-272
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages cashed in on Team Gold
Did you like those stupid puns? They will be better next week.
As far as the Atlanta Slaves go, the team is currently in second place with a 9-5-2 record. This week they go up against “2012 Fantasy Champion” who currently rest in first place. Don’t get comfortable. Like I said the last time I mentioned you, it’s 2013 now.
Oddly enough, Miami Carlins will go up against the top scoring team in this league as well, but they only scored a little bit more than I did. Week Two will see a match-up between Miami Carlins and SI Hurricanes. There is no blood relation with the two of us. Mercy? I’ve forgotten what that means.
Good Managerial Decisions
Today in fantasy baseball I made my best managerial decision of the season so far. Both the Miami Carlins and Team Boyle had 2 starts left for this week. I elected instead of going with Mike Minor yesterday which was my first instinct and instead will pitch Yu Darvish Sunday night. The Texas Rangers in this first week have proven to be the difference in our scoring. Two poor starts by Matt Harrison, a near perfect game for Yu Darvish, as well as Nelson Cruz and Ian Kinsler starting for Miami Carlins with Joe Nathan in the bullpen while Adrian Beltre and David Murphy have been consistently starting for Team Boyle have made this first week based a lot on how the Rangers have done. Today was no different.
(The center of a tough managerial decision with a rooting interest)
In my Yahoo league, the Atlanta Slaves have been involved in the only two trades in the league. A week ago before the season started I traded Robinson Cano and Paul Konerko for Prince Fielder and Yoenis Cespedes. Thursday night I made yet another trade sending newly acquired Prince Fielder once again and Todd Frazier in exchange for Mark Trumbo and Hunter Pence. The trade was primarily for me to get Trumbo to start at third base. After losing Cano I had to move Martin Prado to second and third base had no clear cut starter other than Chase Headley who is on the disabled list. I already had Allen Craig and Lance Berkman to play first base for me as well as a few other players who can be plugged in. I also was hoping shipping Prince Fielder off could help the team I sent to him earn a few extra wins this week against a team calling themselves the “2012 Fantasy Champ.” Someone needs to check their calendar and stop living in the past. I hope Prince Fielder can knock them down a bit.
Prince Fielder hit two home runs his first day with his new team and Mark Trumbo had an 0/4 day. Today though when it mattered more to me in both leagues he came through.
One problem in fantasy baseball when playing in more than one league is you will be up against a team who has a player you have in your other league. This is the case for several players this week, although only one player on the Atlanta Slaves is also on Team Boyle, Matt Harrison. Using my intuition and vast baseball knowledge, I decided not to start Matt Harrison today for the Atlanta Slaves. He ended up pitching 5 innings, giving up 5 runs, striking out 3, and earning the loss. Helping to secure a Matt Harrison loss was my newest addition to the Atlanta Slaves, Mark Trumbo. He delivered his first hit for me, a two run home run in the first inning.
At the start of the day the Atlanta Slaves were ahead by quite a large margin in the different categories scores its points in. Unfortunately after a poor offensive showing by the team today, the score has gotten a little closer. The two leagues score completely differently though which at times has me rooting for players to do different things. In Yahoo we do not lose points for a strikeout. In the ESPN league it doesn’t matter if a guy goes 1 for 6 with a grand slam and no strikeouts. He still has had a great day fantasy baseball wise.
I still find the most difficult thing to do in fantasy baseball is actually managing the team. Jason Kubel is on both of my teams and hit a home run today. Unfortunately he had worse numbers than several other players on my teams against the opposing pitcher. Sometimes though you’re better off not really thinking about these things, but I cannot help it. What if I had sat the struggling Andrew McCutchen in favor of a lesser player like Jason Kubel? McCutchen was my first overall pick for the Miami Carlins and I think it would be silly to ever sit him when he’s playing.
So what is a good managerial decision? I would say it’s going with your first instinct. Hopefully this does not bite me tomorrow night when Yu Darvish takes the mound. Team Boyle is probably praying for a rain out, a heavier blister on Darvish’s finger, or that I show sympathy for the old man. You have a very good team dad and I hope you come in second place. We have one more day left of hating each other. I’m sorry I had to beat you this first week, but hey, I learned from the best.
One day to go. A 19 point lead. Two starts left to one start left. This is our family’s World Series. Will son defeat father?
Kissing Your Sister
As it currently stands with only 2 1/2 days left to go in week one, things between the Miami Carlins and Team Boyle are as close as they can get. We are tied 210-210.
Can Matt Moore secure the win tonight and help the Miami Carlins over the top? Is there anyone who can stop Team Boyle star player Chris Davis who hit a grand slam today? It may come down to a walk, an error, a save, or more likely, Miami Carlins pitching Yu Darvish Sunday night. I decided to go against my best judgment and pitch him. The big problem here is I will not be anywhere near a computer to make any last minute changes. Hopefully everything works out well beforehand. Cole Hamels will be pitching earlier in the day. For Team Boyle, Matt Harrison goes tomorrow and on Sunday he will have Stephen Strasburg. Week One will come down to the wire. Things will be decided in Texas during the Sunday night game while I am attending Wrestlemania 29.
In Sunday night’s game, Texas Rangers against the Los Angeles Angels, Miami Carlins will have Yu Darvish pitching, Ian Kinsler at second, Nelson Cruz in the outfield, and Joe Nathan closing it out. Could this come down to a Joe Nathan fastball at 11pm Sunday night? Team Boyle may have Adrian Beltre at third and David Murphy in the outfield. Could this come down to a fielding error by Adrian Beltre that blows a save for Joe Nathan?
Things will be tense. We may share blood, but all this means is we will be less afraid to shed it. I knew I should have started Mike Minor today against the Cubs. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. Yu Darvish, you don’t have to be perfect, but don’t be less than it either.
When You Want A Japanese Pitcher, Ask Me Not My Dad
After Yu Darvish’s near perfect game on Tuesday, it was Team Boyle’s turn to send a Japanese pitcher to the mound. He sent Yankee’s relic Hiroki Kuroda out there to pitch for him. Before Team Boyle even woke up from his evening nap, Kuroda had been lifted from the game with a fake injury to help him keep some pride. Kuroda only lasts 1.1 innings and gave Team Boyle a nice big fat -6 points. If not for a little luck like Chris Davis having an awesome day, Jeremy Hellickson not getting the loss, and Fernando Rodney blowing a save only to later pick up a win, Team Boyle would be in an even deeper hole than he currently is. As the score stands:
Miami Carlins 136
Team Boyle 122
We are tied up in starts now using four each. Brandon Morrow had a good showing for me on the mound while Pablo Sandoval took care of things offensively. And I do not mean looking at him is offensive which it is, but I mean offensive as in putting up runs.
Team Boyle’s biggest mistake was not starting pitcher Paul Malholm due to his rooting interest for the Phillies. When asked how it felt not using Malholm, Team Boyle said, “Shit.”
Today’s probable starters are Jordan Zimmerman for the Miami Carlins and Kris Medlen and Cliff Lee for Team Boyle. Medlen and Lee are pitching against each other in Atlanta. I’m hoping to look at the scoreboard and see a 10-10 game in the first inning. The Braves have proven this year they can hit. Maybe Miami Carlins players Freddie Freeman and Domonic Brown can put up some crooked numbers this evening. Even better, maybe BJ Upton can strike out 4 times again. I believe the baseball term for that is the golden sombrero.
In other league news, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages leads with the highest point total of 182. Pitching has been their best friend so far. Team Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages is in fact run by two men. They must be pretty close to feel the need to run a fantasy baseball team together. Only one picture seems appropriate to represent them.
(Maybe the only thing that can destroy Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages is their argument over who gets to be Tom Hanks)
10 Reasons Why I Hate Bryce Harper
Bryce Harper has become America’s Sweetheart. In some ways this makes him the new Julia Roberts, only less big-lipped. I was stunned in both my fantasy leagues how quickly Bryce Harper was snatched up. One man with a huge crush on him is my dad, my opponent this week and Manager of Team Boyle. I fear he wishes Harper was his son and this is why he always compares me to him. Well, you’re right. Bryce Harper is a lot better than I am. And I blame you Team Boyle. I hope you enjoy your new son because this week it’s him, not me.
(Father and Son enjoying a moment of staring into the camera together)
I hate Bryce Harper for these ten reasons and you should too:
1) Bryce Harper has a GED rather than a high school diploma. What kind of example is this for children? Do you know who else has a GED? Boy George. You heard it first. Bryce Harper is the Boy George of Baseball.
2) Bryce Harper hit 31 home runs setting a new high school record which had previously been 12. In other words, Bryce Harper enjoys rubbing things in people’s faces. I just hope he doesn’t own any chloroform.
3) Bryce Harper is from Las Vegas better known as Sin City. Do you really want to root for someone who does not live a prosperous life? Freddie Freeman on the Miami Carlins is from somewhere called Fountain Valley. That sounds so much nicer.
4) Bryce Harper had a book written about him before he was even famous. Lee Harvey Oswald had the same thing done about him. I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find it and no longer can. I think this is yet another cover-up, one I will blame Bryce Harper for.
5) Bryce Harper is represented by agent Scott Boras. What this means is he would be willing to sell his own grandma’s soul for an extra buck. And I have met Grandma Harper. She is a sweetheart. Nothing like that evil grandson of hers Bryce.
6) Bryce Harper’s name is Bryce. Ew.
7) Bryce Harper has an older brother named Bryan who played at the University of South Carolina as a Gamecock. Clearly this is a family who picks their colleges based on the silly nicknames. Yet another irresponsible thing by Bryce and his entire family.
8) Bryce Harper is a Mormon. Yep, that means he will steal your wife and your daughters then marry them all in some crazy sex orgy.
9) Bryce Harper drives a Mercedes-Benz with a W insignia for Washington. First you should be upset that he drives a better car than you do. He’s 20 and makes more money than you. There really is no second. This is annoying enough. I really hope he gets traded to a city that has no connection the letter W or even an M. I don’t want him turning that upside down.
10) Bryce Harper is only a month older than Miley Cyrus. Don’t you feel ridiculous for depending on someone like that to win your fantasy baseball season for you? He can’t even legally drink yet.
Crack open a beer in dishonor of Bryce Harper. May he struggle to stay above the Mendoza Line.
Yu Darvish, You Tease
On April 2, 2013 Miami Carlins starting pitcher Yu Darvish made it until the 9th inning of his game against the Houston Astros perfect. He did not give up a single hit, a base on balls, and none of his teammates made any errors. With two outs in the 9th, Marwin Gonzalez singled up the middle to ruin the perfect game. Marwin Gonzalez cost me nearly 15 points with his one base hit. Marwin Gonzalez ruined my shot at taking an early lead in Week One.
(Enjoy the 15 minutes Marwin. Maybe you can use the popularity to trade in the W for a V and get a real name)
I didn’t start paying attention to the game until sometime in the 5th when I noticed on the fantasy scoreboard that Darvish was racking up a lot of points for me. We lose a point for each screw up a pitcher has. Each hit, home run, walk, balk, wild pitch, and gives us negative points. I watched as Darvish’s number continued to rise. Other than innings pitched and strikeouts, there were goose-eggs. In only the second start of the season for the Miami Carlins, I was about to get a perfect game in the books.
As it stands, Team Boyle leads Miami Carlins 92-84. There is still plenty of time to catch up. Brandon Morrow will be going for the Carlins today while Hiroki Kuroda and Jeremy Hellickson will be taking the mound in dishonor of Team Boyle. How many weeks until he renames his team to something original? Is the man so selfish he must name them after himself? It’s not the New York Steinbrenners. Team Boyle is run by a selfish man.
In other league news, the Miami Carlins have agreed to the release of OF Colby Rasmus. After striking out three times and walking once, he earned negative two points for the team. When asked how it felt to be released Rasmus would have said, “I probably deserved it. I’m not sure why I was even ranked so high in the league. I hit like what, .223 last season? I blame Tony LaRussa. I know he’s not around anymore, but he still has it out for me.”
Following his paranoid rant on Tony LaRussa following his every move, Rasmus claimed to have been aboard a hovercraft during the off-season and insisted that Stephan King shot John Lennon.
“Look at the pictures!” said Rasmus allegedly, “It’s clearly Stephan King. You’d have to be a mole person to not see it.”
To replace Rasmus, OF/1B/3B Matt Carpenter has been signed.
Other transactions around the league have continued. The Fuzzy Taints have remained indecisive on who is and is not allowed on the roster.
Could it be possible that The Fuzzy Taint’s owner has a split personality? Memory loss? Bad front office management? Insecurity? No knowledge about baseball?
“He’s probably a Bigfoot,” claimed former Miami Carlins outfielder Colby Rasmus continuing his paranoid ranting. “Bigfoots are very indecisive. One day they want to be called Yeti, the next it’s Abominable Snowman. Clearly that’s what we’re dealing with here. The Fuzzy Taints are run by a mythological beast from the Northwestern United States.”
Following the interview, Rasmus was put on a raft and sent out to sea where he can no longer strikeout way too often and ruin our fantasy baseball dreams.
Mid-Opening Day Report
How are the Miami Carlins doing so far? Not very good. The horribly unoriginally named Team Boyle leads Miami Carlins 57-10. Thanks in part to a two home run game by Bryce Harper and a stellar performance from Stephen Strasburg, Team Boyle has gotten out to an early lead. In this league each team is allowed 8 starts a week. It may actually be 7 with this week being an exception, I’m not sure and don’t feel like asking the commissioner. Team Boyle has already used two starts. He received 12 points from Texas starter Matt Harrison yesterday and another 26 from Strasburg today. Take away those 38 points and this is a much closer match-up. Bryce Harper is the only player for Team Boyle who has provided any offense for him. The Nationals play two more games against the Miami Marlins this week. I will be praying for rain/a power outage.
So far top pick Andrew McCutchen has supplied the most points for the Miami Carlins. The opening day starter for the Carlins is Cole Hamels and he will be taking the mound very shortly. A stellar outing will get the team back on track to helping me take down my father. Not since Luke battled Darth have a son and father been so at each other’s throats. And as was the case with them, Darth got off to an early lead when he caught off Luke’s arm. Not to spoil a 30 year old movie for you or anything, but Luke eventually wins. I’m not getting myself down. Tomorrow Yu Darvish and Jarrod Parker will get starts for the squadron. If only one of them can pitch a perfect game then I cane take a drastic lead.
In Atlanta Slaves news, the complete opposite has been happening. I have used starts from Matt Harrison, C.C. Sabathia, and Matt Cain. Harrison and Sabathia pitched poorly receiving losses while Cain pitched well and was/will be awarded a no decision. The only plus with Harrison and Sabathia were the amount of strikeouts they helped get me. This is a Yahoo league where the scoring is different. You get one point for each category you are better than your opponent at. Whoever has more hits gets one point. Whoever has a better WHIP gets one point and so on. A good offensive showing by the team has given the Atlanta Slaves a nice lead over a team known as Big Fish. Based on my opponent’s team name alone, I should take this week easily once I finally get a pitcher to perform well.
Enemy Interviews – Week 1: Team Boyle
Each week I will be interviewing my opponents. As it turns out, the first week I am up against the one person in the league who can destroy my life most, my own father. The quickest way to summarize my dad comes from the last move he made on his team. Last night at 4:30 AM he dropped Jaime Garcia in favor of Jeremy Hellickson. It was a good move, it’s just frightening that he’s doing this at 4:30 AM on a Saturday morning. For the fact he’s up all night and spends the majority of his time talking to Transylvanian girls online anyway, it seems entirely too appropriate to use a picture of Vlad Dracula to represent his team, Team Boyle, this year. At least Team Gold sounds cool because you can use gold to buy and sell things. Nobody will take a “boyle” in a barter. He claims he’s about to change the team name. He also said he would quit smoking when I was born. My dad is a man of procrastination.
(I suspect even if turned into a vampire my dad would continue smoking. It brings him more joy than anything else ever could)
So with all of this explained, here is the interview. I should have kept all of his typos and things he said that did not make sense, but I am trying to be a professional here. I cleaned it up to make him look half-way intelligible.
Me: Have you ever won a league before? If yes, how awesome was it? If no, what’s your problem?
Team Boyle: Never have- problem was Joe Maddon pulled Jamie Shields (He got it wrong, it’s James Shields. Maybe he knows him personally and can get away with calling him that) out after an inning in my championship game. Gave more importance to the Rays than the Boyles.
Me: Which player are you counting on most this season to help you?
Team Boyle: Bryce Harper. Hoping he doesn’t get hit with an underage drinking rap. Or anyone that Drunkin Drafters offers Ryan Ludwick to me for.
Me: What do you think is the most valuable statistic to look at when drafting a team?
Team Boyle: Home runs and disabled list stints.
Me: What team in our league do you think looks the best? What team in our league do you think looks the worst? Get as cocky or trashy as you want.
Team Boyle: Of course Team Boyle is the best. Worst-could be Stone Cold. When you have the Miami closer [Steve Cishek] and a AAA closer on your team…(He didn’t seem to finish his thoughts on this one) He also lacks his Spanish quota.
Me: Do you have any memorable experiences when meeting a professional athlete, baseball or otherwise, that you would like to share?
Team Boyle: Nicest guy was Randy Wolfe (I never asked that). Memory, Jose Mesa running into The Vet saying he was late only 9 hours before he might get called in for the 9th inning. Brett Myers was always an asshole. Wish we could have warned his wife earlier.
Me: Is there any fatherly instinct you that tells you to go easy on me?
Team Boyle: I’m wishing a 2nd place finish for you so I’m not on the tab for your entry fee. Too many line drives off my knees from playing baseball with you to want nothing but revenge.
Me: If you win the league what is the first thing you plan to buy with your winnings?
Team Boyle: Game used Mr. Met jersey.
Miami Carlins Fantasy Baseball 