It’s hard for me to be upset about last week at this point since I am doing the Weekly Results so late into the beginning of the next match-up. I will pretend to be sad when I announce that Week 18 ended in a loss for the Miami Carlins. The worst thing of all was that for a very brief time late in the day the Carlins made a triumphant comeback. I actually made a point to watch a game on MLB.com between the Orioles and Giants where Cecil Cantrell pitcher Matt Cain was going. The Orioles beat Matt Cain, but with it came a bunch of points from other Cecil Cantrell players Matt Wieters, Manny Machado, and the guy who put the icing on the cake, Adam Jones. Week 18 ended in a loss for the Miami Carlins 279-269. A great effort that was not good enough.
Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman with 25 points, the only consistent offensive player of the week. Disappointment of the week goes to Jordan Zimmermann whose struggles have continued. He earned only 6 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Adam Jones with 34 points, most importantly because of that last home run to seal the victory for Cecil Cantrell.
Let’s do some quick scores from around the league:
Houston Asterisks proved they aren’t the worst team in the league with a 299-222 win over last place Si Hurricanes
Team Gold handed another loss to Team Boyle, 302-288
Stone Cold knocked The Fuzzy Taints out of a playoff spot with a 271-266 victory
Drunkin’ Drafters gave Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages their third loss of the season, 301-279
Now for Atlanta Slaves news:
It was a terrible week for the Slaves until Sunday where they came back and picked up a few wins. The Slaves lost their first place position, but are only 1.5 games behind.
Week 19 sees the Miami Carlins facing off against the last place Si Hurricanes. We have already beaten them twice and already lead them 57-negative 2. Only four weeks remain in the regular season and every single win matters. The Carlins are at the front of the pack of team mushed together, but a losing streak this late in the season could make all of the time spent for nothing, which would really suck.
The Miami Carlins picked up some ground yesterday, but it’s still a high ladder left to climb. At the end of the day the score got to 246-199 in favor of Cecil Cantrell.
Both teams will be using their final start today too. The Miami Carlins send Mike Minor against the Miami Marlins while Cecil Cantrell will pitch Jeremy Hellickson against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hellickson has gotten negative points his last two outings and Mike Minor has been solid most of the season.
“I’m glad the coach calls me solid,” said Minor after reading the above. “I’ve heard some players compared to liquid or gas, or even worse, plasma. It’s nice to know that I am one of the few solid ones in the coach’s eye.”
The Miami Carlins need a huge day from their offense today. The struggles cannot be blamed on any one player, although a lot of fingers have been pointed at Allen Craig who hasn’t contributed any points yet this week. The biggest change this week though comes after the suspensions of Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta. This has opened up a near permanent spot in the lineup for Jayson Werth who is quietly having a great season. Still, there is the open utility spot that has yet to be solidified by anyone in particular.
“The coach called [Minor] solid so maybe he will be the one to solidify the position? I don’t know. I’m new here.” said shortstop Jose Iglesias who has been splitting time with Starlin Castro.
The only other position that has turned into a platoon is catcher. Carlos Santana has been playing poorly lately and now with Wilson Ramos on the team Santana’s playing time has gone done drastically.
“I may not be in the lineup as much as I would like,” said Santana. “But at least I share a name with a popular guitar player. Well, popular among other musicians. He’s kind of like the Spanish Slash.”
The Carlins offense has finally started kicking today and right now we trail Cecil Cantrell by only 30 points, 226-196. Torii Hunter started the rally with 13 points earlier today and Jayson Werth has added to it with another 12. I don’t have much else to say other than cross your fingers, toes, and Fallopian tubes for me.
I haven’t updated this week at all because 1) I have been busy and 2) There has been nothing good to report on at all. Right now after both the Miami Carlins and Cecil Cantrell have used 6 of their 7 starts, the score is a hefty 200-137. I said there was nothing good to report so take a guess who has the fatter number.
The only hope now is for the Carlins to get a perfect game, Cecil Cantrell to get a negative pitching performance, and just about everyone in every game hits for the cycle. Things aren’t going well at all in Atlanta Slaves territory as the team is hitting only .199 this week. I also forgot to adjust the roster today and missed out on a 3 for 5 day for Marco Scutaro. I suck. I am putting life ahead of fantasy baseball.
Bill Paxton says it all…
The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?
Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.
The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.
In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.
Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.
Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.
Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.
Moving along to the East Division now…
First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.
Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.
Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.
Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.
Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.
Two teams, Cecil Cantrell and Drunkin’ Drafters have been hard at work trying to fill in some missing pieces to their rosters. Cecil Cantrell was the first to start these trade rumors.
Yesterday, Cecil Cantrell management sent out a message to the rest of the league with the subject “I hate Albert Pujols.” In the body of the message, management said that Pujols along with Manny Machado and Chase Headley were on the trading block.
When asked to comment on being in the subject of an email, Albert Pujols told reporters he was “too busy not working on my swing” and “hoping it was a typo.” Pujols has been a big disappointment this season and Cecil Cantrell is willing to part with the first baseman.
Drunkin’ Drafters on the other hand are more interested in loading off starting pitchers. Management said that both Justin Verlander and James Shields were “up for grabs.” Chances are it would take a lot to steal Verlander away considering he was the first pick by Drunkin’ Drafters this season. Shields will probably be available for far less, but may cost a mid-upper level outfielder.
“I’ve just been so distracted by Kate Upton this season,” said Verlander when asked about his struggles. “Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great. It’s just…I feel like a creepy old man. I just found out she’s like 20.”
Of all those available I only have interest in Machado and Verlander. You can never have enough pitching and Machado has been putting up big numbers. It would all depend on what I would have to give up. Someone like Torii Hunter who doesn’t see as much playing time as he deserves would be shipped away from the Miami Carlin’s locker room in a second if it meant landing one of them. With potential suspensions to Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta though, I am not quite ready yet to make any drastic moves.