We’re nearing the end of the season and the playoffs are less than 2 weeks away. If I have my way, in 2 week the Miami Carlins will have a bye week. Week 20 didn’t help any as the Miami Carlins lost the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 355-322.
Player of the Week honors go to Ian Kinsler with 24 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Evan Longoria with 33 points aka the amount I lost by. Disappointment of the Week goes to Wade Miley with 8 points. It was a close battle for this award and I almost gave it to the Starlin Castro/Jose Iglesias combo. Miley wins it because he couldn’t even beat the Phillies and because of his twerking performance at the VMAs.
Now for scores from around the league:
Houston Asterisks fought Team Gold and earned a win, 320-293
Team Boyle snuck their way back into a possible playoff spot with a 309-216 win over Cecil Cantrell
Stone Cold narrowed out Drunkin’ Drafters 274-256
Si Hurricanes got their first win since…I can’t count that high. They beat The Fuzzy Taints, 342-243
Now for Atlanta Slaves news:
The Slaves lost their first place position, but are only 3.5 games out of first. The playoffs are near inevitable, unless there is an epic collapse. The only prize in this league is a ring and I have gross fingers so I’m going more for pride.
This week the Miami Carlins face off against Team Gold. Already the Carlins trail 46-26, but still have all 7 starts while Team Gold has already used one. The way I see it, one more win and the Carlins clinch a playoff bye. Most likely The Fuzzy Taints and Drunkin’ Drafters will not catch-up in points scored, the first tie-breaker used to determine playoff positioning. Here’s hoping the Carlins can close this thing out a week early.
The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.
We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.
I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.
1) Own a cat
2) Bathe in a lake
3) Go on a cruise
4) Go clothes shopping
5) Proctology appointments
6) Swap underpants
7) Sleep on the same one-person cot
8) Sit on Santa’s lap
9) Work on their abs
10) Share a sandwich
As it turns out, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages kissed their sisters last week. The league finally adjusted things and as it turns out, they tied with the Houston Asterisks. This is a completely irrelevant outcome as they will finish with a bye week almost undoubtedly and the Houston Asterisks will not make the playoffs. Still, I want to point out that my appointment this week made-out with their sisters, in theory at least because a tie is like kissing your sister.
This week has gone typical of other match-ups against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. I’ve trailed and had the potential to catch-up only to not be able to do it. They have only one start left, Matt Garza on Sunday. I have three starts left. The score is 257-204, a 53 point lead for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages.
The Miami Carlins still have a chance to take a lead. A win this week basically secures a playoff spot. My only hope is that tying the Houston Asterisks last week doesn’t piss Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages off so much that they take it out on me. Didn’t Donnie and Marie Osmond have sex with each other? Will Dean want to be Donnie or Marie? He’s clearly the one wearing the pants in this relationship of theirs. We’ll find out soon enough.
The Miami Carlins won during Week 19 and what else is there to say? We have made it hell for the Si Hurricanes this season, beating them all three times. I will show some mercy and just get onto the weekly wrap-up. The final score was 291-223 by the way. Thought I should let you know how flattened they are.
Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish who finished with 54 points, mostly because of his pitching performance on Monday which netted him 40 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro and Jose Iglesias who combined for -4 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Joe Mauer with 31 points. Thank goodness he’s on the Atlanta Slaves.
Scores from around the league time? I think so:
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly beat out the Houston Asterisk 302-297
Team Boyle pushed closer to .500 with a 297-240 win over Stone Cold
The Fuzzy Taints got themselves back over .500 with a win over Cecil Cantrell, 316-274
Team Gold did my team a favor by beating Drunkin’ Drafters, 288-260
New from the Atlanta Slaves? Let’s get on with it!
The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place by a half game. What more is there to say? We’ve been consistent and with the playoffs only a few weeks away we look to win the prize the league is giving out, nothing.
Week 20 sees the Miami Carlins facing the hated rivals Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. We’re off to a bad start this week, much thanks to team captain Jordan Zimmermann. What happened to that guy? I blame his brother George.
It’s time to get back to the grind of updating this site with scoring, league controversies, and made-up interviews with players. I am also writing things and submitting them to Yahoo and whenever they get rejected they will land here.
Anyway, this extended week against Team Gold has started off well. Right now the score is 99-55. I have noticed a huge difference though. Pitchers are struggling while hitters are thriving. The warm weather may have something to do with this. For instance, the Drunkin’ Drafters have already scored 184 points while using 4 starts. Granted, those 4 were high scoring.
“This is the time of year when the teams with a good offense end up with wins,” said Miami Carlins manager me. Oh. I’m quoting myself. “I’m confident in my team that our offense can stand against any out there. We currently have 1 or 2 guys on our bench that could start on every other team in the league. Sometimes It’s hard to get them all in there. Do you want to see pictures of my kids?”
For any ladies reading, I do not have kids. I just know the best way to get rid of reporters is to ask them if they want to see pictures of family members that are not model wives.
Today Jordan Zimmermann and Mike Minor pitch for the Carlins. Team Gold may still be stuck in All-Star game mode, having missed out on two starts yesterday that would have given them a temporary lead.
In other news, a brief argument erupted at the summer meetings. In our league we have summer meetings instead of winter meetings. We mostly do this for the air conditioning. The first trade of the season was made. Team Boyle shipped Adrian Beltre and Rafael Betancourt to the Houston Asterisks for Troy Tulowitzki and Tim Hudson. Rafael Betancourt was so excited about playing for a team with a real name that he jumped for joy then landed funny on his ankle. He is now on the disabled list.
The trade was approved by the league, however Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages voiced their anger at the trade.
“Blah blah blah not fair. Blah blah blah something nobody cares. Blah blah blah I sent a private message by accident to everyone in the league after the fact,” said Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages about the trade.
No other trades have been made, although the Carlins have been in talks with several squadrons. It appears unless the right match-up comes along, most teams will stick with what they have.
The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?
Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.
The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.
In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.
Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.
Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.
Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.
Moving along to the East Division now…
First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.
Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.
Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.
Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.
Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.
This past week was one of the if not the best for the Miami Carlins. This past week was one of if not the worst for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. 351-279 was the final score.
The Miami Carlins did the impossible. America’s Team handed JDVS only their second loss of the season. It took help from everyone to accomplish too. We needed the offense to click. We needed quality pitching from the starters. We needed the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages offense to put up only half as many points as our offense. The 61 strikeouts an 9 double plays grounded into by Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages made it very possible to win this week. The Miami Carlins did not let their fans down.
Player of the Week honors go to Mike Minor with 38 points. I wanted to give it to someone on the offense, but too many players were in the same 22-23 point range for me to decide. Minor is still a good choice. Enemy of the Week goes to Matt Garza. The Chicago Cubs pitcher managed to score 40 points for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages this week, a hollow 40 points as it would turn out to be. Disappointment of the Week goes to Jake Westbrook. Few players who got valuable playing time this week screwed up as much as Westbrook who earned only 6 points in his lone star. At least he actually managed to strike two people out.
Now for news from around the league:
The resurgent Houston Asterisks picked up a win over Team Gold, 296-236
In a low scoring affair of bad pitching performances, Cecil Cantrell beat Team Boyle 246-225
The Fuzzy Taints had no problem beating Si Hurricanes, 297-229
Drunkin’ Drafters literally took it down to the wire with Stone Cold, edging them out for a 318-309 victory
Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:
Yahoo is currently updating the fantasy baseball section and I cannot see any of it. However, I think I gained some ground on the first place team and am now around a half game out of first place. I’m just guessing here. I feel like Bud Selig.
Games do not start up again this week until Friday due to the All-Star break. When play resumes I go up against Team Gold. Team Gold is one of the three teams with an 8-7 record vying for a playoff spot. It will be a big week too where we are allowed 14 starts due to the fact the week extends over a 10 day period. Shouldn’t we get 10 starts instead? Boy am I glad I’m not facing Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages that week. They’re all pitching and no hitting. I predict that will help them get back on their horse, unlike the Miami Carlins who were never knocked off theirs.