The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.
We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.
I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.
1) Own a cat
2) Bathe in a lake
3) Go on a cruise
4) Go clothes shopping
5) Proctology appointments
6) Swap underpants
7) Sleep on the same one-person cot
8) Sit on Santa’s lap
9) Work on their abs
10) Share a sandwich
As it turns out, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages kissed their sisters last week. The league finally adjusted things and as it turns out, they tied with the Houston Asterisks. This is a completely irrelevant outcome as they will finish with a bye week almost undoubtedly and the Houston Asterisks will not make the playoffs. Still, I want to point out that my appointment this week made-out with their sisters, in theory at least because a tie is like kissing your sister.
This week has gone typical of other match-ups against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. I’ve trailed and had the potential to catch-up only to not be able to do it. They have only one start left, Matt Garza on Sunday. I have three starts left. The score is 257-204, a 53 point lead for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages.
The Miami Carlins still have a chance to take a lead. A win this week basically secures a playoff spot. My only hope is that tying the Houston Asterisks last week doesn’t piss Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages off so much that they take it out on me. Didn’t Donnie and Marie Osmond have sex with each other? Will Dean want to be Donnie or Marie? He’s clearly the one wearing the pants in this relationship of theirs. We’ll find out soon enough.
The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?
Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.
The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.
In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.
Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.
Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.
Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.
Moving along to the East Division now…
First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.
Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.
Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.
Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.
Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.
This past week was one of the if not the best for the Miami Carlins. This past week was one of if not the worst for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. 351-279 was the final score.
The Miami Carlins did the impossible. America’s Team handed JDVS only their second loss of the season. It took help from everyone to accomplish too. We needed the offense to click. We needed quality pitching from the starters. We needed the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages offense to put up only half as many points as our offense. The 61 strikeouts an 9 double plays grounded into by Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages made it very possible to win this week. The Miami Carlins did not let their fans down.
Player of the Week honors go to Mike Minor with 38 points. I wanted to give it to someone on the offense, but too many players were in the same 22-23 point range for me to decide. Minor is still a good choice. Enemy of the Week goes to Matt Garza. The Chicago Cubs pitcher managed to score 40 points for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages this week, a hollow 40 points as it would turn out to be. Disappointment of the Week goes to Jake Westbrook. Few players who got valuable playing time this week screwed up as much as Westbrook who earned only 6 points in his lone star. At least he actually managed to strike two people out.
Now for news from around the league:
The resurgent Houston Asterisks picked up a win over Team Gold, 296-236
In a low scoring affair of bad pitching performances, Cecil Cantrell beat Team Boyle 246-225
The Fuzzy Taints had no problem beating Si Hurricanes, 297-229
Drunkin’ Drafters literally took it down to the wire with Stone Cold, edging them out for a 318-309 victory
Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:
Yahoo is currently updating the fantasy baseball section and I cannot see any of it. However, I think I gained some ground on the first place team and am now around a half game out of first place. I’m just guessing here. I feel like Bud Selig.
Games do not start up again this week until Friday due to the All-Star break. When play resumes I go up against Team Gold. Team Gold is one of the three teams with an 8-7 record vying for a playoff spot. It will be a big week too where we are allowed 14 starts due to the fact the week extends over a 10 day period. Shouldn’t we get 10 starts instead? Boy am I glad I’m not facing Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages that week. They’re all pitching and no hitting. I predict that will help them get back on their horse, unlike the Miami Carlins who were never knocked off theirs.
Is it too early to declare victory? Right now, mid-Sunday, the Miami Carlins lead Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 328-250. Cy Young candidate Adam Wainwright still pitches tonight for JDVS so in a way nothing is sealed. I doubt we will see a perfect game from him though. Yesterday Tim Lincecum pitched a no-hitter almost two weeks after Homer Bailey pitched the first of the season. Even if Wainwright was to pitch a perfect game with 27 strikeouts, it is unlikely that they would be able to catch-up to the Carlins.
This week was important for many ways. A victory this week means security in the top of the West Division. A victory this week means a first round bye. A victory this week proves that the Carlins can go head-to-head with Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages with their heads held high.
“I know I never get to play anymore,” said Carlins outfielder Daniel Nava. “But it still feels good to be a part of something great like this.”
“Hopefully this means my wife will sleep with me.” said Carlins relief pitcher Joe Nathan. “She hates lying on her back for losers. Her words. Not mine.”
“Win. Very good.” said Carlins short stop Starlin Castro in broken English with a German accent. Nobody is sure why he was speaking this way.
A full report and possible parade is scheduled for tomorrow at the Miami Carlin’s stadium, my bedroom. All are welcome to attend.
There was no interview last week and this will be the final one because, how many questions can I really ask the same people over and over again? Before I get into the interview, I would like to update the score. One day left and the Carlins are leading 284-250. I’m not going to say anything else other than the score because I don’t want to jinx anything.
Now let’s get on with the interview with the league commissioner, Cecil Cantrell.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how cool was it? If no, who do you blame?
Cecil Cantrell: No, I have never won before. I tell my friends and family that I win every year though. It makes them proud. Who do I blame? I blame my friends and family. All of the pressure they put on me to succeed is too much to handle sometimes that I make bad moves or don’t use my star pitchers.
Me: What player on your team has become your favorite this season?
Cecil Cantrell: Clay Buchholz is easily my favorite player. I’m not sure when his next start is though… (Cecil Cantrell completely missed starting Clay Buchholz this Saturday)
Me: Of all the teams in the league, who do you think is the best? Who do you think is the worst?
Cecil Cantrell: I think The Fuzzy Taints are actually going to make a good run at in the end. You also have to respect a guy willing to let us know what his private parts are like. Worst team would probably be the Si Hurricanes. He tries really hard. At least the Houston Asterisks are on strike which explains why they’re so bad.
Me: The disabled list, have you ever heard of it?
Cecil Cantrell: I prefer to call it the “differently abled” list. It’s not nice to call people disabled.
Me: You got off to a really good start like me and it looks as if you’re fading a bit. How does it feel?
Cecil Cantrell: It feels terrible. My acid reflux is back, I have diarrhea, and I don’t enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Although these may be symptoms of something else. Not sure.
Me: What is the most difficult task when it comes to being a commissioner in a fantasy baseball league?
Cecil Cantrell: Having to talk to Drunkin’ Drafter in a sensible way.
Me: If you win, what do you plan on using your winnings on?
Cecil Cantrell: I’m going to pay the Red Sox manager to use Clay Buccholz at least once a week. Seriously, his spot in the rotation should have come around again, right?
There are more important things right now in the league than defeating Team Boyle. The score right now is 60-58, but that’s irrelevant. I almost do not mind tossing my dad a bone and giving him a win, especially now that I see the division winners are the ones who get the first round bye. The West Division is a three team division for the most part. The Drunkin’ Drafters and Houston Asterisks are only 3 games behind, but that’s a lot more than it looks to take out three other teams. Those teams of course are the first place Miami Carlins, The Fuzzy Taints who are the lone team to defeat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, and Team Boyle who spends too much time looking at his team’s scores.
Speaking of Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, last night the Jimmy part of the two-headed monster posted something on the league message board. He posted a poll asking who the Miami Carlin’s team song should be. The choices:
1) The Pretender – The Foo Fighters
2) Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty
3) Help! – The Beatles
I don’t take kindly to insults, especially when it comes to insulting millionaires I have selected to help me win a few hundred bucks and more importantly, pride.
I took the task of coming up with a cordial response that was both genuine and insulting. Each team has their own interesting aspect. It took a while to find these out since I don’t know everyone in person so there are qualities they have that I must latch onto. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausage’s quality is the fact two men run the team together. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the only things two men should ever run together are a relay race and after a woman trying to escape from the crawl space. That’s if you’re doing a whole Henry Lee and Otis serial killer type killing spree. This isn’t about what Jimmy & Dean do in their spare time to hookers though. This is about my response.
“I prefer to remain positive:
Time is on my Side – The Rolling Stones
Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who (in reference to starting Cole Hamels twice in one week)
Everbody Hurts [Sometimes] – R.E.M.
Patience – Guns N Roses
I’m still working on a song for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, a squadron we should all respect for their teamwork. I have it narrowed down to a few:
Two Hearts Beat as One – U2
Two Princes – The Spin Doctors
Two Become One – The Spice Girls
Come Together – Aerosmith
Just the Two of Us – The Will Smith version
Every song Nickelback has done”
For the record, I do know many Spice Girls. I have a sister who grew up in the 90s. I did not know Two Become One though. It still seemed well enough to add in because why would two men ever want a Spice Girls song as their theme? I’ll tell you who. Two men who run a fantasy baseball team together.
I didn’t even touch on ABBA, The Village People, or anyone from American Idol. There is still plenty of bad music out there. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages wants to gang up on me? Let’s see how that goes.
(Sadly I do remember this song and even worse I didn’t think they used a green screen and was wondering how they got them to walk so slowly for the passage of time behind them)
The team manager of Stone Cold is one of the few people in this league that I have met in person. I had hoped he could have worked as a mole for the West Division, but his allegiance to Team Gold is too tight. They even made it a point to have rhyming team names. The only thing worse would have been if they managed a team together. I still wonder about Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and how they make their team work. Do they put their hands together on the same mouse and use it like a Ouija Board and see what it makes them do? I’m sure there’s plenty of hand-holding. How can there not be? A fantasy baseball team is an intimate item that men should not share. At least, that’s how I interpreted the Bible.
Moving onto the task at hand, here is this week’s interview with Stone Cold.
Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how great was it? If no, what went wrong?
Stone Cold: No I have never won before. What went wrong was I chose my family and work over winning the fantasy baseball league. It’s a mistake I hope to never make again.
Me: Which team in the league do you think will finish in last place?
Stone Cold: I think Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages will finish in last place. Keep in mind though, I am neither psychic nor do I understand what is going on in this fantasy baseball league at all.
Me: You recently said you are in need of outfield help. Have you considered not playing anyone instead because your outfield is so bad?
Stone Cold: I’ve actually contacted ESPN [the league we play in] and have wondered if they could count my old softball statistics from 15 years ago. I hit .118 with two stolen bases. It’s better than what I’ve got on my team.
Me: What was the last movie you saw with Team Gold?
Stone Cold: I’m not sure why you think we go to the movies together all the time. We barely go. The last time we went we saw the new Twilight movie. That was months ago! Doesn’t that prove to you that we’re manly and rarely go to the theater together?
Me: What is one statistic you look for most when choosing players for fantasy baseball?
Stone Cold: I look for players we get a lot of walks and never hit home runs. Moneyball baby! (Stone Cold is first in the league in batter walks and last in home runs hit)
Me: Is there any player on your team that you have become a fan of because of this season?
Stone Cold: I’m really into Kevin Youkilis. He’s had lingering injuries all season long and having him on my disabled list makes it look like I have more players on my team. Quantity over quality!
Me: If you win, what do you plan to spend the prize money on?
Stone Cold: A new Eric Lindros Philadelphia Flyers jersey.