Week 21 Results

I didn’t do any updates this week because 1) I’ve become very busy and 2) I don’t want anyone knowing how much I suck. Team Gold rolled over my Miami Carlins. We barely stood a chance. The final score was 346-290. Fortunately by the end of yesterday I wasn’t the second top scoring team, which would have made things a lot more frustrating.

Player of the Week goes to Jhoulys Chacin with 32 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Brandon Moss with 33 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Grant Balfour who had 3 saves yet finished with 0 points this week due to a blown save/loss combination.

Let’s take a look at scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks played spoiler, defeating Stone Cold 326-262

Team Boyle got into the final playoff spot with a 228-168 win over Si Hurricanes

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages decided to help me out with a 300-235 win over The Fuzzy Taints

Drunkin’ Drafter all but eliminated Cecil Cantrell from the post season by defeating them 300-240

The Miami Carlins still have the second bye week and in order to keep it a few things will have to happen. The Carlins will need to either 1) Win or 2) Need Drunkin’ Drafters and Team Boyle to lose. I have done the math and it is almost impossible for the Carlins to not at least make the playoff, even if in the final position.

Some brief Atlanta Slaves news:

The Slaves have officially clinched a playoff spot! Right now the Slaves are 2 games behind two teams tied in first place. There is still a strong battle for the final playoff spot in the league, but the struggle for the Slaves is over, at least until next week.

This is the final week for both the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves. Both teams will make the playoffs, since the Carlins will win the tie-breakers thanks to their high-scoring ways. This final week matches the Carlins against Stone Cold, a team in a similar position as the Carlins, except they are so far out they will not get a bye week. Stone Cold ignored my trade request so this is a little personal for me. I have a chance to ruin his summer.

pip rain stayed away!

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Week 20 Results

We’re nearing the end of the season and the playoffs are less than 2 weeks away. If I have my way, in 2 week the Miami Carlins will have a bye week. Week 20 didn’t help any as the Miami Carlins lost the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 355-322.

Player of the Week honors go to Ian Kinsler with 24 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Evan Longoria with 33 points aka the amount I lost by. Disappointment of the Week goes to Wade Miley with 8 points. It was a close battle for this award and I almost gave it to the Starlin Castro/Jose Iglesias combo. Miley wins it because he couldn’t even beat the Phillies and because of his twerking performance at the VMAs.

miley-cyrus-twerking

 

Now for scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks fought Team Gold and earned a win, 320-293

Team Boyle snuck their way back into a possible playoff spot with a 309-216 win over Cecil Cantrell

Stone Cold narrowed out Drunkin’ Drafters 274-256

Si Hurricanes got their first win since…I can’t count that high. They beat The Fuzzy Taints, 342-243

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

The Slaves lost their first place position, but are only 3.5 games out of first. The playoffs are near inevitable, unless there is an epic collapse. The only prize in this league is a ring and I have gross fingers so I’m going more for pride.

This week the Miami Carlins face off against Team Gold. Already the Carlins trail 46-26, but still have all 7 starts while Team Gold has already used one. The way I see it, one more win and the Carlins clinch a playoff bye. Most likely The Fuzzy Taints and Drunkin’ Drafters will not catch-up in points scored, the first tie-breaker used to determine playoff positioning. Here’s hoping the Carlins can close this thing out a week early.

10 Things Two Men Should Never Do Together

The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. ¬†They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.

We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.

I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.

1) Own a cat

2) Bathe in a lake

3) Go on a cruise

4) Go clothes shopping

5) Proctology appointments

6) Swap underpants

7) Sleep on the same one-person cot

8) Sit on Santa’s lap

9) Work on their abs

10) Share a sandwich

Kissing Your Sister

As it turns out, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages kissed their sisters last week. The league finally adjusted things and as it turns out, they tied with the Houston Asterisks. This is a completely irrelevant outcome as they will finish with a bye week almost undoubtedly and the Houston Asterisks will not make the playoffs. Still, I want to point out that my appointment this week made-out with their sisters, in theory at least because a tie is like kissing your sister.

This week has gone typical of other match-ups against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. I’ve trailed and had the potential to catch-up only to not be able to do it. They have only one start left, Matt Garza on Sunday. I have three starts left. The score is 257-204, a 53 point lead for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages.

The Miami Carlins still have a chance to take a lead. A win this week basically secures a playoff spot. My only hope is that tying the Houston Asterisks last week doesn’t piss Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages off so much that they take it out on me. Didn’t Donnie and Marie Osmond have sex with each other? Will Dean want to be Donnie or Marie? He’s clearly the one wearing the pants in this relationship of theirs. We’ll find out soon enough.

marie-osmond

Week 19 Results

The Miami Carlins won during Week 19 and what else is there to say? We have made it hell for the Si Hurricanes this season, beating them all three times. I will show some mercy and just get onto the weekly wrap-up. The final score was 291-223 by the way. Thought I should let you know how flattened they are.

Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish who finished with 54 points, mostly because of his pitching performance on Monday which netted him 40 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro and Jose Iglesias who combined for -4 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Joe Mauer with 31 points. Thank goodness he’s on the Atlanta Slaves.

Scores from around the league time? I think so:

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly beat out the Houston Asterisk 302-297

Team Boyle pushed closer to .500 with a 297-240 win over Stone Cold

The Fuzzy Taints got themselves back over .500 with a win over Cecil Cantrell, 316-274

Team Gold did my team a favor by beating Drunkin’ Drafters, 288-260

New from the Atlanta Slaves? Let’s get on with it!

The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place by a half game. What more is there to say? We’ve been consistent and with the playoffs only a few weeks away we look to win the prize the league is giving out, nothing.

Week 20 sees the Miami Carlins facing the hated rivals Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. We’re off to a bad start this week, much thanks to team captain Jordan Zimmermann. What happened to that guy? I blame his brother George.

George Zimmerman

 

Baseball’s Color Barrier

I will post the weekly results later in the week for the sake of consistency. I think they may change because there’s an obvious glaring error in that Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given a loss to the Houston Asterisks even though Houston used 8 starts instead of 7. The Carlins did win though and that’s all that matters.

In the meantime and the in between time, here is something i wrote for Yahoo that I thought was pretty good and maybe one person will click it.

Stats Don’t Like: Statistical facts that Prove Baseball’s Color Barrier was Ridiculous

Boston Redd Foxx

A Brief Team Review – Near September Callups

On Wednesday the fat lady started tuning up her voice. On the final day of this week’s match-up, she’s getting a little anxious to start singing. The Miami Carlins lead Si Hurricanes 223-202, with 3 starts left to Si Hurricanes’ 1 start.

I haven’t been doing much intrepid reporting so I thought I would take some time to do a quick team review. Ever since Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta were suspended there have been more opportunities for other players to step up. Has anyone?

Shortstop:

The weakest position on the Carlins, Starlin Castro started off as the team’s starter and now only because Jose Iglesias struggling nearly as much, the spot is still open. Castro is nearly guaranteed to earn the Disappointment of the Year Award. Somehow he has survived being released, mostly because I keep convincing myself he’s overdue. Shortstop will continue being a revolving door between the two for the rest of the season and into the playoffs. I don’t have much faith in either of these guys as this week they have a combined -4 points. I would be better off not having any shortstop at all. Wow.

jose iglesias

Catcher:

Wilson Ramos came in during Carlos Santana’s struggles and has gotten a few spot starts. The position still belongs to Santana, but I feel a lot more comfortable with Ramos as the backup than Salvador Perez who is a singles hitter with a .270 average. Santana started off great and slowly “Starlin Castro’ed” his way to a poor average. And yes, I want to start calling people who disappoint me Starlin Catros.

wilson-ramos-kidnappers-have-yet-to-contact-family

Pablo Sandoval:

Another player who struggled this year for me and was a high pick as Pablo Sandoval. Sandoval kept landing on the disabled list too, which didn’t help his cause at keeping him in the lineup with the numbers Matt Carpenter has put up. Now with the Utility position open, Sandoval has seen more playing time and has made the best of it. This week Sandoval has already earned 16 points. That’s 1 point for every 3 pounds he needs to lose to be a good player again. Not bad.

Pablo-Sandoval