Tagged: adam wainwright

Premature Ejacuwinning

Is it too early to declare victory? Right now, mid-Sunday, the Miami Carlins lead Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 328-250. Cy Young candidate Adam Wainwright still pitches tonight for JDVS so in a way nothing is sealed. I doubt we will see a perfect game from him though. Yesterday Tim Lincecum pitched a no-hitter almost two weeks after Homer Bailey pitched the first of the season. Even if Wainwright was to pitch a perfect game with 27 strikeouts, it is unlikely that they would be able to catch-up to the Carlins.

This week was important for many ways. A victory this week means security in the top of the West Division. A victory this week means a first round bye. A victory this week proves that the Carlins can go head-to-head with Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages with their heads held high.

“I know I never get to play anymore,” said Carlins outfielder Daniel Nava. “But it still feels good to be a part of something great like this.”

“Hopefully this means my wife will sleep with me.” said Carlins relief pitcher Joe Nathan. “She hates lying on her back for losers. Her words. Not mine.”

“Win. Very good.” said Carlins short stop Starlin Castro in broken English with a German accent. Nobody is sure why he was speaking this way.

A full report and possible parade is scheduled for tomorrow at the Miami Carlin’s stadium, my bedroom. All are welcome to attend.

largest-bikini-parade-05(It will look something like this only nothing at all like this)



Advice: Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself

This epic match-up of first place teams this week has started off well for the Miami Carlins. After Day One the score was 47-41 in favor of the Carlins. After Day Two, yesterday, the score 95-84, where we remain right now. The best thing about this is that my opponent this week, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, have been getting more points from their starters than I have. Mike Minor only got me 14 points in a no decision and Cole Hamels added a reasonable 22 with his win. On the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages front, Matt Garza earned 25 points and Adam Wainwright tallied 27. The difference right now has been the two team’s offenses. The Miami Carlins have been consistent so far this week. The way I see it, as long as we can keep pace with JDVS and have a better offense, we may be able to take down their top tier pitching.

My advice to myself today is not to get ahead of myself. I was close the last time we faced each other and it all fell apart in the end. I’m hoping this time around though the results are different. I can see a Miami Carlins win this week. The way I see it, we are only about 4 wins away from clinching a playoff spot. Of course I don’t just want a playoff spot. I want to win. Going into the All-Star break with a 9-6 record would be nice. The rest of my games this season are against teams in the East Division, the division that appeared stronger at first but has since began to falter. The season marches on. I just have to take it one week at a time. Or maybe one day. Let’s stick to one at-bat.

Week 6 Results



It took five weeks before the Miami Carlins were defeated. The only team to do it was a two-headed beast named Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The final score was 312-263.  The Miami Carlins have let America down.

Everything that could have gone wrong this week did. The Carlins offense struggled, the pitching had no top performances, and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages had Evan Longoria have a great week and Adam Wainwright pitch a complete game one-hit shutout. The Carlins had no chance. The only positive to come from this is the pressure is off. The team can breathe a sigh of relief and realize a loss is not the end of the world.

“It’s the end of the world!” screamed Carlins relief pitcher Brandon League yesterday following the loss. The loss was so imminent he decided to pitch poorly in his game against the Marlins. His “why bother?” attitude does not sit well with management. When J.J. Putz comes back from his injury, there is a chance League could be shown the way of Alexei Ramirez and Ryan Raburn, released and praying they get signed by someone.

Player of the Week goes to Mike Minor. He had one start and earned a respectful 24 points for the team. Enemy of the Week goes to Adam Wainwright with his one-hit shutout. Any player who can inspire me to write a poem about them must suck. Disappointment of the Week is the hardest to come up with. I would love to give it to the entire offense, but I am a manager who likes to toss individuals under the bus. Most offensive players on the team contributed around the same amount of points. Disappointment of the Week will go to Jason Kubel who although he hasn’t been in the starting lineup much lately, his performance has not merited many starts. Kubel is now batting under .250 for the season. Thank goodness for Carlos Gomez.

carlos gomez


(Yes you Carlos. Don’t look so turned off)

Now for scores from around the league:

Team Gold gave the Houston Asterisks no chance at a victory, defeating them 357-212

Cecil Cantrell took care of Team Boyle, 274-220

Si Hurricanes got their first victory since week one, they beat The Fuzzy Taints 322-247

Stone Cold narrowly escaped with a victory to complete the sweep of the West division when they beat Drunkin’ Drafters 284-280

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves had their poorest week of the season with a final record of 6-10. This allowed several teams to gain some ground on the Slaves who remain in first place.

This week will be a tough one as I start a new job that runs through the time games begin. I’ve enlisted the help of a mystery GM in the league to help me update my roster if players are not in the starting lineup to help. I may need it because I’ll be going up against Team Gold, a team that is riding a 4 game winning streak after starting off the season 0-2. We always see all these commercials about buying and selling gold and how the American economy is supposed to crash and Gold will become the new standard. Not yet. For now gold is nothing but a fantasy that until the market crashes completely will not be victorious over me. This made no sense.

One-Hitters, Double Plays, and Errors

Here are some statistics from this week for the Miami Carlins that will make you wonder how we have gone this long without losing.

Grounded into Double Plays: 9! 9 double plays have been hit by the Carlins. 4 of them belong to Pablo Sandoval.

Errors: 5! 5 errors made by the Carlins. 3 of them belong to Ian Kinsler, 2 of them yesterday alone.

Strikeouts: 33! I’m not sure if this is normal or not, but the fact that it’s tied with the amount of singles we have this week, I’m a little disappointed.

Walks for Pitchers: 23! This isn’t so bad except for the fact there are 38 strikeouts for these same men. That’s better than a 1:2 ratio which is terrible.

I want to gut the entire team. We had this week won. In the words of Adele which were probably written by someone else, “We could have had it all.” The biggest match-up of the season ruined not because of lack of playing well, but because of screwing up.

It didn’t help that yesterday Adam Wainwright earned 39 points with a complete game one-hit shutout and Madison Baumgartner had a great game as well. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages originally had Jonathan Niese on the team who if started would have earned around -10 points after his start yesterday. I applaud Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages for the move to get rid of the New York Mets pitcher Niese. Really, I do.

I’ve kept quiet most of the week about Evan Longoria who has been the main offense for JDVS. Without him the score would be much closer. In fact, between he and Ian Desmond, they’ve put up more than the lead JDVS has over the Miami Carlins. Longoria makes senses. He’s always a great player when he isn’t the American League’s version of Ryan Zimmerman getting hurt constantly.

In the final day of this match-up, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages leads 290-244. As cynical as I may seem, this is still plausible to come back from. Nobody will be starting for JDVS and the Miami Carlins will have Ryan Dempster pitching. Dempster will be pitching against the Toronto Blue Jays whose team average (including Jose Reyes) is .178. A big day from Dempster, a big day from the struggling offense, maybe a blown save and a loss for Sergio Romo in the JDVS bullpen, I may be able to come from behind and take back what’s mine.

ryan dempster


(Ryan Dempster, if you pitch a perfect game I will buy you a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card)

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright,

You pitched a one-hitter,

Now I feel in this week’s in the shitter,

Why’d you do this to me?

It Ain’t Right Cardinal’s Pitcher,

I know the reasons you did it which’re

The better you play the more richer

You get once your contract comes up.

It Ain’t Right Mister Ace,

I find it a little bit of a disgrace,

I can no longer look at your face,

You may have screwed me out of first place,

Gotta remind myself this season’s not a marathon but a race

And still ain’t working one bit.

It Ain’t Right Adam Wainwright,

You pitched the Rockies in tight,

Like a magician you’ve got the sleight,

Why’d you do this shit to me?