The Miami Carlins are close to being eliminated this week. One of the big reasons is because last night there was a long rain delay in Minnesota during Matt Moore’s start. Moore had been cruising before God intervened and poured down liquid hate from the sky. Moore only ended up pitching 3 innings, not even enough to pick up the win.
On the final day of the first round of the playoffs, the Miami Carlins trail Team Gold (am I really going to lose to a team with that name???) 278-241. It’s not completely over as Jordan Zimmermann pitches for the Carlins and Chris Sale pitches for Team Gold and apparently there is rain in the forecast in Cleveland, a team that Sale is 0-3 against this season anyway. The chance to continue playing fantasy baseball games that count is limited and I’m going to need my offensive to pick up the slack today. Allen Craig’s injury has hurt as well as the fall from grace Carlos Gomez has had. Most of all the team’s pitching hasn’t been consistent down the stretch. Oh well. At least my fantasy football team the Cleveland Drowns are already in first place.
The Miami Carlins have gotten back to the basics, completely annihilating their opponents. Yeah, I know last week we were up against the second worst team and this week is against the worst, but a win is a win is a win is a win.
Yesterday’s total points scoring was 41 for the Carlins and -5 for the Si Hurricanes. J.J. Hardy had -3 points and Adam Lind had -4 points for the Si Hurricanes to lead the way to an embarrassing day. Only Carlos Gonzalez (3 points) and Matt Joyce (1 point) put up positive numbers on America’s Birthday.
Carlos Gomez and Allen Craig led the way for the Carlins’s offense, putting up 11 and 8 points respectively, both hitting home runs.
Pitching for the Carlins today will be Jake Westbrook up against the Marlins. When asked what his game plan was, Jake Westbrook said he would like to actually strike someone out. Westbrook only has 27 strikeouts this season with a season high of 6. Normally he averages 2 or 3. Westbrook is still a valuable pitcher. He pitches to contact and rarely walks batters. He’s on a good team and the last time I checked he hasn’t given up a home run all season. Albeit he has missed some time, he has pitched long enough into the year to have given up a long ball.
The Si Hurricanes may have thrown in the towel this week. Scoring as much as possible is still important though. Having an even record with The Fuzzy Taints, our tie-breaker will be points scored. Currently all teams in my West Division are leading their match-ups this week. It’s nice to see, until I realize this could knock me out of the playoffs if I’m not too careful.
The Miami Carlins made up some ground yesterday. It wasn’t much, but 5 points is still 5 points. The score is still 111-97, in favor of The Fuzzy Taints thanks mostly to a 22 point performance by Jake Westbrook.
“After my first time pitching for the Carlins when I put up a pathetic 0 points, it feels good to be someone who actually participates in a positive way,” said Westbrook. “I’ve heard murmurs what happens to guys who continually pitch poorly. I’ve heard you get traded to the Houston Asterisks.”
Today things will pick up greatly. Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Minor, and Matt Moore will all be pitching for the Carlins. John Lackey is also available to pitch, but I won’t throw him out there. He has poor numbers against the team he’s pitching against and it’s also the Detroit Tigers. I have had a history of playing pitchers against the Tigers. I would like to avoid it as much as I can.
By this time tomorrow the Miami Carlins should be in the lead. If we’re not, the situation will become very dire. I’m still not completely satisfied with the pitching match-ups other than Mike Minor against the Mets. Matt Moore goes against the Yankees and Jordan Zimmermann goes against the Rockies, thankfully in Washington, not Colorado.
“When you start the week off trailing, it’s a slow upward climb,” said Carlins 1B/OF Allen Craig. “You know, like me this season and my only 6 home runs. Wasn’t I drafted in like the 6th round? I really should stop being a singles hitter.”
After the first day of games this week, the Miami Carlins had a 56-3 lead over The Fuzzy Taints. After day two, the lead diminished only by 5 points. The current score is 108-60 in favor of America’s Fantasy Baseball Team, the Miami Carlins.
It wasn’t so much Fuzzy Taints management that screwed these first two days up. Toni Cingrani pitched great but was issued a no decision. Ross Detweiler and RA Dickey took losses to each receive only 6 points. The “RD-RD Boys” as they have called themselves in an attempt to be clever combined for only a dozen points, nearly wasting two starts. Worst of all was AJ Griffin who on Monday ended the day with -6 points.
“I’m an adult and I go by the name AJ,” said Griffin yesterday before Tuesday’s contests. “It’s kind of a hint that I’m not going to pitch very well.”
On the Miami Carlins side of things everything has been peachy. Matt Moore pitched Monday and leads the team with 31 points. Yesterday, Mike Minor and Cole Hamels earned 18 and 17 respectfully. Hamels was the hard-luck loser, but still earned more points than some winning pitchers will.
Offensively Nelson Cruz leads the way with 12 points. Allen Craig isn’t too far behind with 8 which is great because Craig has struggled for much of this season.
“It always takes me a little while to get warmed up,” says Craig. “Just ask my wife!”
We tried contacting Craig’s wife and it turns out he is unmarried. Craig is undergoing a psychological test later today to see if he is indeed imagining a different life for himself off the field which could be a reason behind his struggles.
“It was a joke!” yelled Craig as he was dragged away whilst in a straight-jacket.
(Really shouldn’t it have been his bat pictured here?)
Today Yu Darvish takes the mound for the Carlins. Brandon Morrow is scheduled to pitch, but was asked to sit this one out and watch how a real man pitches, Yu Darvish.
I would also like to point out that in only 3 “games” I have won all three. In 21 games, the Miami Marlins have won 5 games. That’s not so much a compliment to myself as it is the realization of just how bad they are.