Tagged: matt garza

10 Things Two Men Should Never Do Together

The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. ¬†They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.

We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.

I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.

1) Own a cat

2) Bathe in a lake

3) Go on a cruise

4) Go clothes shopping

5) Proctology appointments

6) Swap underpants

7) Sleep on the same one-person cot

8) Sit on Santa’s lap

9) Work on their abs

10) Share a sandwich

Kissing Your Sister

As it turns out, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages kissed their sisters last week. The league finally adjusted things and as it turns out, they tied with the Houston Asterisks. This is a completely irrelevant outcome as they will finish with a bye week almost undoubtedly and the Houston Asterisks will not make the playoffs. Still, I want to point out that my appointment this week made-out with their sisters, in theory at least because a tie is like kissing your sister.

This week has gone typical of other match-ups against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. I’ve trailed and had the potential to catch-up only to not be able to do it. They have only one start left, Matt Garza on Sunday. I have three starts left. The score is 257-204, a 53 point lead for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages.

The Miami Carlins still have a chance to take a lead. A win this week basically secures a playoff spot. My only hope is that tying the Houston Asterisks last week doesn’t piss Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages off so much that they take it out on me. Didn’t Donnie and Marie Osmond have sex with each other? Will Dean want to be Donnie or Marie? He’s clearly the one wearing the pants in this relationship of theirs. We’ll find out soon enough.

marie-osmond

Advice: Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself

This epic match-up of first place teams this week has started off well for the Miami Carlins. After Day One the score was 47-41 in favor of the Carlins. After Day Two, yesterday, the score 95-84, where we remain right now. The best thing about this is that my opponent this week, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, have been getting more points from their starters than I have. Mike Minor only got me 14 points in a no decision and Cole Hamels added a reasonable 22 with his win. On the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages front, Matt Garza earned 25 points and Adam Wainwright tallied 27. The difference right now has been the two team’s offenses. The Miami Carlins have been consistent so far this week. The way I see it, as long as we can keep pace with JDVS and have a better offense, we may be able to take down their top tier pitching.

My advice to myself today is not to get ahead of myself. I was close the last time we faced each other and it all fell apart in the end. I’m hoping this time around though the results are different. I can see a Miami Carlins win this week. The way I see it, we are only about 4 wins away from clinching a playoff spot. Of course I don’t just want a playoff spot. I want to win. Going into the All-Star break with a 9-6 record would be nice. The rest of my games this season are against teams in the East Division, the division that appeared stronger at first but has since began to falter. The season marches on. I just have to take it one week at a time. Or maybe one day. Let’s stick to one at-bat.