As fatalistically predicted, the Miami Carlins suffered a traumatic loss at the hands of Stone Cold, 309-261. The playoffs have already begun with the Carlins in the sixth and final playoff spot. Pretty amazing considering a win in Week 22 would have given America’s Favorite Fantasy Baseball team a first round bye. That shows you just how close this is.
Player of the Week goes to Cole Hamels with 55 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Ryan Zimmerman who notched 31 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Yu Darvish with -2 points. Wade Miley had a -10 performance, but at this point I expect negativity from people with the name Miley.
Let’s announce some scores from around the league:
Houston Asterisks beat Cecil Cantrell in a meaningless game, 302-270
Team Boyle snuck into the playoffs with a win over Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, 303-262
Team Gold knocked The Fuzzy Taints’ chances at making the post season by beating them 283-212
Drunkin’ Drafters got lucky and faced Si Hurricanes in the final week, giving them a first round bye after a 227-151 victory
I will get to the playoff picture in another post as it will up my blog stats, slightly. Let’s instead give a brief announcement for the Atlanta Slaves:
The Atlanta Slaves finished the regular season in 2nd place. It was a tight battle between the top 3 spots and the 4th and final playoff position came down to a half game victory. It will take only two wins to become the league champion where I will win a ring. Just what I want, this guy after me.
The Miami Carlins finished with a pitiful 11-11 record after a tremendous 5-0 start. Blame can be placed on Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta. Blame will not be placed on them though as it always comes down to the manager, me. All this means now is that we are the underdogs.
We’re nearing the end of the season and the playoffs are less than 2 weeks away. If I have my way, in 2 week the Miami Carlins will have a bye week. Week 20 didn’t help any as the Miami Carlins lost the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 355-322.
Player of the Week honors go to Ian Kinsler with 24 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Evan Longoria with 33 points aka the amount I lost by. Disappointment of the Week goes to Wade Miley with 8 points. It was a close battle for this award and I almost gave it to the Starlin Castro/Jose Iglesias combo. Miley wins it because he couldn’t even beat the Phillies and because of his twerking performance at the VMAs.
Now for scores from around the league:
Houston Asterisks fought Team Gold and earned a win, 320-293
Team Boyle snuck their way back into a possible playoff spot with a 309-216 win over Cecil Cantrell
Stone Cold narrowed out Drunkin’ Drafters 274-256
Si Hurricanes got their first win since…I can’t count that high. They beat The Fuzzy Taints, 342-243
Now for Atlanta Slaves news:
The Slaves lost their first place position, but are only 3.5 games out of first. The playoffs are near inevitable, unless there is an epic collapse. The only prize in this league is a ring and I have gross fingers so I’m going more for pride.
This week the Miami Carlins face off against Team Gold. Already the Carlins trail 46-26, but still have all 7 starts while Team Gold has already used one. The way I see it, one more win and the Carlins clinch a playoff bye. Most likely The Fuzzy Taints and Drunkin’ Drafters will not catch-up in points scored, the first tie-breaker used to determine playoff positioning. Here’s hoping the Carlins can close this thing out a week early.
Bryce Harper has become America’s Sweetheart. In some ways this makes him the new Julia Roberts, only less big-lipped. I was stunned in both my fantasy leagues how quickly Bryce Harper was snatched up. One man with a huge crush on him is my dad, my opponent this week and Manager of Team Boyle. I fear he wishes Harper was his son and this is why he always compares me to him. Well, you’re right. Bryce Harper is a lot better than I am. And I blame you Team Boyle. I hope you enjoy your new son because this week it’s him, not me.
(Father and Son enjoying a moment of staring into the camera together)
I hate Bryce Harper for these ten reasons and you should too:
1) Bryce Harper has a GED rather than a high school diploma. What kind of example is this for children? Do you know who else has a GED? Boy George. You heard it first. Bryce Harper is the Boy George of Baseball.
2) Bryce Harper hit 31 home runs setting a new high school record which had previously been 12. In other words, Bryce Harper enjoys rubbing things in people’s faces. I just hope he doesn’t own any chloroform.
3) Bryce Harper is from Las Vegas better known as Sin City. Do you really want to root for someone who does not live a prosperous life? Freddie Freeman on the Miami Carlins is from somewhere called Fountain Valley. That sounds so much nicer.
4) Bryce Harper had a book written about him before he was even famous. Lee Harvey Oswald had the same thing done about him. I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find it and no longer can. I think this is yet another cover-up, one I will blame Bryce Harper for.
5) Bryce Harper is represented by agent Scott Boras. What this means is he would be willing to sell his own grandma’s soul for an extra buck. And I have met Grandma Harper. She is a sweetheart. Nothing like that evil grandson of hers Bryce.
6) Bryce Harper’s name is Bryce. Ew.
7) Bryce Harper has an older brother named Bryan who played at the University of South Carolina as a Gamecock. Clearly this is a family who picks their colleges based on the silly nicknames. Yet another irresponsible thing by Bryce and his entire family.
8) Bryce Harper is a Mormon. Yep, that means he will steal your wife and your daughters then marry them all in some crazy sex orgy.
9) Bryce Harper drives a Mercedes-Benz with a W insignia for Washington. First you should be upset that he drives a better car than you do. He’s 20 and makes more money than you. There really is no second. This is annoying enough. I really hope he gets traded to a city that has no connection the letter W or even an M. I don’t want him turning that upside down.
10) Bryce Harper is only a month older than Miley Cyrus. Don’t you feel ridiculous for depending on someone like that to win your fantasy baseball season for you? He can’t even legally drink yet.
Crack open a beer in dishonor of Bryce Harper. May he struggle to stay above the Mendoza Line.