Tagged: pablo sandoval

Pablo Sandoval You Fat S.O.B. I Love You

Pablo Sandoval has finally contributed. Last night, Miami Carlins third baseman and competitive eater Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs totally 25 points. After a Yu Darvish -1 pitching performance, Sandoval has helped the Carlins get back in it this week.

The score is currently tied at 141, the Carlins having used 5 starts and Stone Cold having used 4. It’s going to take a few good pitching performances and maybe even another fat bastard hitting three home runs. As it currently looks, Mike Minor and Cole Hamels will get the last two starts for the Carlins before the postseason begins next Monday. The Carlins pretty much need this win to secure a first round bye. A playoff spot, if my math is correct, has been secured since the Carlins have the tie-breaker over most teams.

For now though, let’s celebrate Pablo Sandoval. The next hamburger is on me kid.

Pablo Sandoval


A Brief Team Review – Near September Callups

On Wednesday the fat lady started tuning up her voice. On the final day of this week’s match-up, she’s getting a little anxious to start singing. The Miami Carlins lead Si Hurricanes 223-202, with 3 starts left to Si Hurricanes’ 1 start.

I haven’t been doing much intrepid reporting so I thought I would take some time to do a quick team review. Ever since Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta were suspended there have been more opportunities for other players to step up. Has anyone?


The weakest position on the Carlins, Starlin Castro started off as the team’s starter and now only because Jose Iglesias struggling nearly as much, the spot is still open. Castro is nearly guaranteed to earn the Disappointment of the Year Award. Somehow he has survived being released, mostly because I keep convincing myself he’s overdue. Shortstop will continue being a revolving door between the two for the rest of the season and into the playoffs. I don’t have much faith in either of these guys as this week they have a combined -4 points. I would be better off not having any shortstop at all. Wow.

jose iglesias


Wilson Ramos came in during Carlos Santana’s struggles and has gotten a few spot starts. The position still belongs to Santana, but I feel a lot more comfortable with Ramos as the backup than Salvador Perez who is a singles hitter with a .270 average. Santana started off great and slowly “Starlin Castro’ed” his way to a poor average. And yes, I want to start calling people who disappoint me Starlin Catros.


Pablo Sandoval:

Another player who struggled this year for me and was a high pick as Pablo Sandoval. Sandoval kept landing on the disabled list too, which didn’t help his cause at keeping him in the lineup with the numbers Matt Carpenter has put up. Now with the Utility position open, Sandoval has seen more playing time and has made the best of it. This week Sandoval has already earned 16 points. That’s 1 point for every 3 pounds he needs to lose to be a good player again. Not bad.


Fireworks, Hot Dogs, and Optimism

We are far enough into the baseball week to see where things are headed. It’s Thursday and the Miami Carlins lead 125-122. Now this may not look like a drastic lead. My optimism comes from the fact the Carlins have used 3 starts this week and the Si Hurricanes have already used 4. Things are looking good and we may have a winning streak going.

Thus far this week, the pitching star has been Matt Moore and the offensive star is Matt Carpenter. Moore who missed a few starts a month ago and Carpenter whose job was in jeopardy after the return of Pablo Sandoval from the disabled list are back to having good standing with management.

Pablo Sandoval was originally expected to start today at third base, having a career 7 for 10 against Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake. When I realized the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was on television, I decided it was better not to put him in the lineup. Sandoval will waste all of his energy masturbating to the hot dogs on TV. Instead the earlier mentioned Carpenter will continue to start at third base until Sandoval gets more productive or loses 150 pounds.

Neither team in this match-up has a starting pitcher going today. Tomorrow Jake Westbrook goes for the Carlins and Gio Gonzalez may possibly go for the Si Hurricanes.

In other news, the upset of the century could be happening. After encouragement and guidance from yours truly, the Houston Asterisks made a few roster changes and are having a big week thanks mostly to Homer Bailey’s no-hitter. The Asterisks currently have a 171-144 lead over the once defeated Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. This of course means nothing good for the Carlins as Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages will most likely get the Number One Seed and a Houston Asterisks win just makes one more person in the West Division to worry about. Yikes.

homer bailey no hitter

Week 13 Results


Normally this wouldn’t be big news, especially the way this season started. Then the team took a nose dive and it’s exciting to win again. The final score was 293-142 over the Houston Asterisks. The Asterisks’ score was possibly the lowest scoring week for any team this season. Two bad pitching performances from Trevor Cahill contributed to that.

Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman who put up a team high 28 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Pablo Sandoval. Kung Fu Panda recently came off the disabled list and put up -4 points for the Carlins this week. Thank goodness for Matt Carpenter. Enemy of the Week goes to Nick Swisher and his 22 points. Swisher put up big numbers during a doubleheader on Friday, helping to contribute to a big scoring day for the Asterisks.

Now for scores from around the league:

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly escaped a victory over Stone Cold 340-337

Cecil Cantrell had no problems with Si Hurricanes, defeating them 319-194

Team Gold knocked Team Boyle out of the final playoff spot with a 320-248 victory

In the battle of brothers, The Fuzzy Taints took care of Drunkin’ Drafters, 331-294

At this point I am rooting for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages to continue to win. They are so far ahead of everyone else that I need other teams to lose to ensure a playoff spot for myself. The league is still generally close and the Carlins still have the second bye week, a reward given to division leaders. The rest of the games are outside the division this season which makes this very interesting. I mean, interesting by fantasy baseball standards. I’m not sure how interesting it is on the ground scale of life.

Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves jumped up a game and a half in the standings with a big win this past week. Right now one team trails by a game, the Slaves trail by 1.5 games and the final playoff spot trails by 13. Anything can happen still as 16 wins are up for grabs every week. As long as the Slaves remain consistent we will be seeing playoff baseball.

This week’s match-up is against the last place team in the league, the Si Hurricanes. When I woke up this week there were flash flood warnings and torrential downpour. The first game hasn’t even happened yet and already they are out for vengeance. Thank goodness I’m a hermit. Hurricanes cannot beat me.


Thanks to a Pablo Sandoval (Miami Carlins) home run last night giving Rafael Soriano (Stone Cold) a blown save, the Carlins ended yesterday with a 65-59 lead. Before this even happened, Stone Cold front office managed posted a cry for help on the league board. The message read as the following–

Subject: outfielder

“I need a decent outfielder. Please let me know if you are interested in a trade”

Ignore the casualness of this message. There was real panic in team Stone Cold. Nobody has really talked trades much in the league yet and it took until this week when he was facing me to finally begin to realize Angel Pagan as a starting outfielder is not a good thing. I love the smell of fear coming from my opponents. I’ve scared team Stone Cold already. Trade away Stone Cold. Nothing will save you.

One-Hitters, Double Plays, and Errors

Here are some statistics from this week for the Miami Carlins that will make you wonder how we have gone this long without losing.

Grounded into Double Plays: 9! 9 double plays have been hit by the Carlins. 4 of them belong to Pablo Sandoval.

Errors: 5! 5 errors made by the Carlins. 3 of them belong to Ian Kinsler, 2 of them yesterday alone.

Strikeouts: 33! I’m not sure if this is normal or not, but the fact that it’s tied with the amount of singles we have this week, I’m a little disappointed.

Walks for Pitchers: 23! This isn’t so bad except for the fact there are 38 strikeouts for these same men. That’s better than a 1:2 ratio which is terrible.

I want to gut the entire team. We had this week won. In the words of Adele which were probably written by someone else, “We could have had it all.” The biggest match-up of the season ruined not because of lack of playing well, but because of screwing up.

It didn’t help that yesterday Adam Wainwright earned 39 points with a complete game one-hit shutout and Madison Baumgartner had a great game as well. Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages originally had Jonathan Niese on the team who if started would have earned around -10 points after his start yesterday. I applaud Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages for the move to get rid of the New York Mets pitcher Niese. Really, I do.

I’ve kept quiet most of the week about Evan Longoria who has been the main offense for JDVS. Without him the score would be much closer. In fact, between he and Ian Desmond, they’ve put up more than the lead JDVS has over the Miami Carlins. Longoria makes senses. He’s always a great player when he isn’t the American League’s version of Ryan Zimmerman getting hurt constantly.

In the final day of this match-up, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages leads 290-244. As cynical as I may seem, this is still plausible to come back from. Nobody will be starting for JDVS and the Miami Carlins will have Ryan Dempster pitching. Dempster will be pitching against the Toronto Blue Jays whose team average (including Jose Reyes) is .178. A big day from Dempster, a big day from the struggling offense, maybe a blown save and a loss for Sergio Romo in the JDVS bullpen, I may be able to come from behind and take back what’s mine.

ryan dempster


(Ryan Dempster, if you pitch a perfect game I will buy you a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card)

Fat People Elbows

I woke up to check my email and to my dismay the first article I viewed was one about Pablo Sandoval’s big fat elbow giving him problems. I know Pablo has a weight problem. I also know it’s okay to make fun of him for it because his job is to stay in shape. He gets paid millions to play a sport and he can’t even keep his weight down. He’s getting so fat it’s beginning to cut off circulation in his elbow. Or maybe forking food into his mouth continuously is doing some damage to the tendons. ¬†Whatever his reason for having a sore elbow is, it’s easy enough to blame how fat he is.

According to baseball reference Pablo Sandoval is 5’11 240 pounds. Usually the information on these things are from when they were drafted so who knows what he is now? I would guess he’s gained at least 20 pounds and shrunk 2 inches from his big fat stomach dragging him down.

Why was I stupid? I had a lot riding on Sandoval having a good season. Could he be headed elsewhere in this league? Will anyone take a big fat monster who damaged his elbow leaning on it while lying on the couch all off-season?

pablo sandoval