Here are the nominees for the Miami Carlins Awards.
Player of the Year:
Surprise of the Year:
Disappointment of the Year:
Nelson Cruz/Jhonny Peralta Suspension
Best Free Agent Signing/Waiver Claim:
Matt Carpenter 4/2
Carlos Gomez 4/23
Torii Hunter 5/15
Draft Pick Steal:
Grant Balfour Round 17 (165 overall)
Mike Minor Round 20 (196 overall)
Jayson Werth Round 24 (236 overall)
Player of the Week Wins: Jhoulys Chacin, Nelson Cruz, Yu Darvish (3), Freddie Freeman (3), Carlos Gomez (3), Cole Hamels (2), Ian Kinsler, Andrew McCutchen (2), Mike Minor (3), Matt Moore (2), Carlos Santana, Jayson Werth, Jordan Zimmermann
Enemy of the Week Wins: Yoenis Cespedes, Chris Davis, Josh Donaldson, Edwin Encarnacian (2), Jose Fernandez, Matt Garza, Tim Hudson, Adam Jones, Jason Kipnis, Cliff Lee, Evan Longoria, Joe Mauer, Brandon Moss, Edward Mujica, Bud Norris, Max Scherzer, Nick Swisher, Justin Upton, Shane Victorino, Adam Wainwright, David Wright, Ryan Zimmerman
Disappointment of the Week Wins: Grant Balfour, Matt Carpenter, Starlin Castro (2), Allen Craig, Nelson Cruz, Yu Darvish, Jeremy Guthrie, Jose Iglesias, Ian Kinsler, Jason Kubel, Andrew McCutchen, Wade Miley, Mike Minor, Matt Moore, Jhonny Peralta, Pablo Sandoval (2), Jake Westbrook (2), Jordan Zimmermann (3)
I didn’t jump to post the results for a particular reason, it took me a week to leave my bedroom. The impossible happened. The Miami Carlins were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round by Team Gold. The score of the game, 324-290.
The final awards for this week look like this. Player of the Week goes to Jayson Werth with 29 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Mike Minor with 3 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Josh Donaldson with 37 points.
There was only one other game this week that mattered, my dad Team Boyle against Stone Cold. Miraculously, Team Boyle pulled out the victory. Even better, Team Boyle in Round 2 is headed toward victory against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. Their final score was 323-284. Imagine if my dad and I switched opponents. He would have just barely lost and I would have still been playing ball, actually winning too because JDVS is really getting their asses handed to them.
In Atlanta Slaves’ news…my minor league team has made it to the finals. Currently losing by a bit, the score is still pretty close in many categories. It’s going to come down to the wire for sure.
Next post, I will award the Miami Carlins postseason awards. I could wait until the end of the playoffs, but I know I will be so sad to see my dad beat everyone that I will lose the desire.
The Miami Carlins are close to being eliminated this week. One of the big reasons is because last night there was a long rain delay in Minnesota during Matt Moore’s start. Moore had been cruising before God intervened and poured down liquid hate from the sky. Moore only ended up pitching 3 innings, not even enough to pick up the win.
On the final day of the first round of the playoffs, the Miami Carlins trail Team Gold (am I really going to lose to a team with that name???) 278-241. It’s not completely over as Jordan Zimmermann pitches for the Carlins and Chris Sale pitches for Team Gold and apparently there is rain in the forecast in Cleveland, a team that Sale is 0-3 against this season anyway. The chance to continue playing fantasy baseball games that count is limited and I’m going to need my offensive to pick up the slack today. Allen Craig’s injury has hurt as well as the fall from grace Carlos Gomez has had. Most of all the team’s pitching hasn’t been consistent down the stretch. Oh well. At least my fantasy football team the Cleveland Drowns are already in first place.
The playoffs have begun and this is how it looks:
Miami Carlins #6 vs. Team Gold #3
Team Boyle #5 vs. Stone Cold #4
First Round Byes:
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages #1
Drunkin’ Drafters #2
There is also a consolation round, which has no real point to it so I’m not sure why they bother other than people who hold grudges or if some leagues hand out prizes. Or maybe some leagues do something bad to the person who finishes in last. Either way, it looks like I will have to beat Team Gold in the first round, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages in the second, and then take on a mystery team, hopefully Team Boyle because it would be fantastic if this came down to a family battle. However it turns out, let’s just hope I win.
What’s it going to take tomorrow for the Miami Carlins to win the first round bye?
Right now the Carlins trail Stone Cold 224-216. Stone Cold still has 2 starts yet, but only one starter scheduled for tomorrow thanks to a Felix Hernandez injury. Bartolo Colon will pitch against Houston. The last time Colon faced the hapless Houston team he earned 0 fantasy baseball points. Cole Hamels will pitch for the Carlins tomorrow against the Braves, a team he has seen plenty over the years.
So what’s it going to take? Hopefully Stone Cold doesn’t realize King Felix is injured. The beginning of football season may help. A bad start by Colon, a nice one by Hamels, and a Miami Carlins offensive explosion are what it will take. Worst case scenario, I lose this week and have to play Team Gold next week in the first round of the playoffs. Considering they gave me a hard time all season, I’m hoping Hamels can hold the Braves hitless for 9 innings and Bartolo Colon finally gets suspended for cheating. Too bad he never knew you were supposed to lift weights when you take steroids.
I didn’t do any updates this week because 1) I’ve become very busy and 2) I don’t want anyone knowing how much I suck. Team Gold rolled over my Miami Carlins. We barely stood a chance. The final score was 346-290. Fortunately by the end of yesterday I wasn’t the second top scoring team, which would have made things a lot more frustrating.
Player of the Week goes to Jhoulys Chacin with 32 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Brandon Moss with 33 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Grant Balfour who had 3 saves yet finished with 0 points this week due to a blown save/loss combination.
Let’s take a look at scores from around the league:
Houston Asterisks played spoiler, defeating Stone Cold 326-262
Team Boyle got into the final playoff spot with a 228-168 win over Si Hurricanes
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages decided to help me out with a 300-235 win over The Fuzzy Taints
Drunkin’ Drafter all but eliminated Cecil Cantrell from the post season by defeating them 300-240
The Miami Carlins still have the second bye week and in order to keep it a few things will have to happen. The Carlins will need to either 1) Win or 2) Need Drunkin’ Drafters and Team Boyle to lose. I have done the math and it is almost impossible for the Carlins to not at least make the playoff, even if in the final position.
Some brief Atlanta Slaves news:
The Slaves have officially clinched a playoff spot! Right now the Slaves are 2 games behind two teams tied in first place. There is still a strong battle for the final playoff spot in the league, but the struggle for the Slaves is over, at least until next week.
This is the final week for both the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves. Both teams will make the playoffs, since the Carlins will win the tie-breakers thanks to their high-scoring ways. This final week matches the Carlins against Stone Cold, a team in a similar position as the Carlins, except they are so far out they will not get a bye week. Stone Cold ignored my trade request so this is a little personal for me. I have a chance to ruin his summer.
The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.
We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.
I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.
1) Own a cat
2) Bathe in a lake
3) Go on a cruise
4) Go clothes shopping
5) Proctology appointments
6) Swap underpants
7) Sleep on the same one-person cot
8) Sit on Santa’s lap
9) Work on their abs
10) Share a sandwich
As it turns out, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages kissed their sisters last week. The league finally adjusted things and as it turns out, they tied with the Houston Asterisks. This is a completely irrelevant outcome as they will finish with a bye week almost undoubtedly and the Houston Asterisks will not make the playoffs. Still, I want to point out that my appointment this week made-out with their sisters, in theory at least because a tie is like kissing your sister.
This week has gone typical of other match-ups against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. I’ve trailed and had the potential to catch-up only to not be able to do it. They have only one start left, Matt Garza on Sunday. I have three starts left. The score is 257-204, a 53 point lead for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages.
The Miami Carlins still have a chance to take a lead. A win this week basically secures a playoff spot. My only hope is that tying the Houston Asterisks last week doesn’t piss Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages off so much that they take it out on me. Didn’t Donnie and Marie Osmond have sex with each other? Will Dean want to be Donnie or Marie? He’s clearly the one wearing the pants in this relationship of theirs. We’ll find out soon enough.
The Miami Carlins won during Week 19 and what else is there to say? We have made it hell for the Si Hurricanes this season, beating them all three times. I will show some mercy and just get onto the weekly wrap-up. The final score was 291-223 by the way. Thought I should let you know how flattened they are.
Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish who finished with 54 points, mostly because of his pitching performance on Monday which netted him 40 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro and Jose Iglesias who combined for -4 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Joe Mauer with 31 points. Thank goodness he’s on the Atlanta Slaves.
Scores from around the league time? I think so:
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly beat out the Houston Asterisk 302-297
Team Boyle pushed closer to .500 with a 297-240 win over Stone Cold
The Fuzzy Taints got themselves back over .500 with a win over Cecil Cantrell, 316-274
Team Gold did my team a favor by beating Drunkin’ Drafters, 288-260
New from the Atlanta Slaves? Let’s get on with it!
The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place by a half game. What more is there to say? We’ve been consistent and with the playoffs only a few weeks away we look to win the prize the league is giving out, nothing.
Week 20 sees the Miami Carlins facing the hated rivals Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. We’re off to a bad start this week, much thanks to team captain Jordan Zimmermann. What happened to that guy? I blame his brother George.
I will post the weekly results later in the week for the sake of consistency. I think they may change because there’s an obvious glaring error in that Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given a loss to the Houston Asterisks even though Houston used 8 starts instead of 7. The Carlins did win though and that’s all that matters.
In the meantime and the in between time, here is something i wrote for Yahoo that I thought was pretty good and maybe one person will click it.