The Miami Carlins won during Week 19 and what else is there to say? We have made it hell for the Si Hurricanes this season, beating them all three times. I will show some mercy and just get onto the weekly wrap-up. The final score was 291-223 by the way. Thought I should let you know how flattened they are.
Player of the Week goes to Yu Darvish who finished with 54 points, mostly because of his pitching performance on Monday which netted him 40 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Starlin Castro and Jose Iglesias who combined for -4 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Joe Mauer with 31 points. Thank goodness he’s on the Atlanta Slaves.
Scores from around the league time? I think so:
Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly beat out the Houston Asterisk 302-297
Team Boyle pushed closer to .500 with a 297-240 win over Stone Cold
The Fuzzy Taints got themselves back over .500 with a win over Cecil Cantrell, 316-274
Team Gold did my team a favor by beating Drunkin’ Drafters, 288-260
New from the Atlanta Slaves? Let’s get on with it!
The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place by a half game. What more is there to say? We’ve been consistent and with the playoffs only a few weeks away we look to win the prize the league is giving out, nothing.
Week 20 sees the Miami Carlins facing the hated rivals Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. We’re off to a bad start this week, much thanks to team captain Jordan Zimmermann. What happened to that guy? I blame his brother George.
On Wednesday the fat lady started tuning up her voice. On the final day of this week’s match-up, she’s getting a little anxious to start singing. The Miami Carlins lead Si Hurricanes 223-202, with 3 starts left to Si Hurricanes’ 1 start.
I haven’t been doing much intrepid reporting so I thought I would take some time to do a quick team review. Ever since Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta were suspended there have been more opportunities for other players to step up. Has anyone?
The weakest position on the Carlins, Starlin Castro started off as the team’s starter and now only because Jose Iglesias struggling nearly as much, the spot is still open. Castro is nearly guaranteed to earn the Disappointment of the Year Award. Somehow he has survived being released, mostly because I keep convincing myself he’s overdue. Shortstop will continue being a revolving door between the two for the rest of the season and into the playoffs. I don’t have much faith in either of these guys as this week they have a combined -4 points. I would be better off not having any shortstop at all. Wow.
Wilson Ramos came in during Carlos Santana’s struggles and has gotten a few spot starts. The position still belongs to Santana, but I feel a lot more comfortable with Ramos as the backup than Salvador Perez who is a singles hitter with a .270 average. Santana started off great and slowly “Starlin Castro’ed” his way to a poor average. And yes, I want to start calling people who disappoint me Starlin Catros.
Another player who struggled this year for me and was a high pick as Pablo Sandoval. Sandoval kept landing on the disabled list too, which didn’t help his cause at keeping him in the lineup with the numbers Matt Carpenter has put up. Now with the Utility position open, Sandoval has seen more playing time and has made the best of it. This week Sandoval has already earned 16 points. That’s 1 point for every 3 pounds he needs to lose to be a good player again. Not bad.
This week’s match against the Si Hurricanes has been simple and easy and any other adjectives you can think of that mean minimal effort. Starting with Yu Darvish’s 40 point performance Monday, the Miami Carlins currently have a 161-154 lead. This may not look like much until I reveal that the Si Hurricanes have used 6 of their 7 starts. The Miami Carlins have only used 3. Barring multiple pitching meltdowns or Si Hurricanes’ third baseman Aramis Ramirez turning back the clock a decade and regaining a power stroke, it looks like the Miami Carlins will sail into next week with ease.
The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?
Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.
The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.
In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.
Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.
Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.
Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.
Moving along to the East Division now…
First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.
Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.
Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.
Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.
Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.
Back-to-back wins for the Miami Carlins! Sure, the first was against a team with 3 wins this season and this week was against a team with 2 wins, but it still feels right and the way things should be. The final score was in Week 14 was Miami Carlins over the Si Hurricanes 317-157. Si Hurricanes gave up halfway through the week. Certainly though 317 points is nothing to scoff about. The Miami Carlins are back to their high scoring ways. And this week coming up, we will need it.
Player of the Week honors go to Matt Moore who earned 51 points for the team. Disappointment of the Week goes to Jhonny Peralta who earned 2 points. Peralta has seen a lot of starting time at short stop lately and this week was the first he let me down. Enemy of the Week goes to Bud Norris. Nobody on the Si Hurricanes scored very high. Considering Norris scored the most and happens to be a pitcher on the worst pitching staff in baseball, I have reason enough to hate him.
Now for some scores from around the league:
Team Boyle beat Stone Cold 320-226
The Fuzzy Taints showed no mercy against Cecil Cantrell, picking up a 363-174 win
Drunkin’ Drafters had little problems beating Team Gold with a final score of 290-229
And in shocking fashion, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages barely held on to beat Houston Asterisks 313-306
The playoff picture in the league is changing and will continue to. Four teams are tied with the second best record at 8-6. It’s an all-out battle between The Fuzzy Taints and the Miami Carlins for the second place bye week. Team Gold and Stone Cold will be the ones looking to get the second place spot in the East Division. For the Si Hurricanes and Houston Asterisks, all they can really do is play spoiler. Drunkin’ Drafters and Cecil Cantrell are on the edge of a playoff spot and have the opportunity to either go up or down now. It’s looking to be an edge of your seat finale.
Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:
The Atlanta Slaves lost a few games in the standings, but they did move up to 2nd place. Of course, moving up to 2nd place means nothing because 2nd and 3rd play each other and there’s no home field advantage. Things in that league have spread out a bit more and the Atlanta Slaves are the only team continuing to keep pace.
This upcoming week the Miami Carlins will be playing Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. If we took the scores from this week, we will have a win. It’s a very vital week, especially because The Fuzzy Taints play the Si Hurricanes. A loss by the Miami Carlins and a win for The Fuzzy Taints knocks my team out of first place in the division. We’re going to have to remember to say our prayers and take our vitamins this week. The season could be on the line.
The Miami Carlins have gotten back to the basics, completely annihilating their opponents. Yeah, I know last week we were up against the second worst team and this week is against the worst, but a win is a win is a win is a win.
Yesterday’s total points scoring was 41 for the Carlins and -5 for the Si Hurricanes. J.J. Hardy had -3 points and Adam Lind had -4 points for the Si Hurricanes to lead the way to an embarrassing day. Only Carlos Gonzalez (3 points) and Matt Joyce (1 point) put up positive numbers on America’s Birthday.
Carlos Gomez and Allen Craig led the way for the Carlins’s offense, putting up 11 and 8 points respectively, both hitting home runs.
Pitching for the Carlins today will be Jake Westbrook up against the Marlins. When asked what his game plan was, Jake Westbrook said he would like to actually strike someone out. Westbrook only has 27 strikeouts this season with a season high of 6. Normally he averages 2 or 3. Westbrook is still a valuable pitcher. He pitches to contact and rarely walks batters. He’s on a good team and the last time I checked he hasn’t given up a home run all season. Albeit he has missed some time, he has pitched long enough into the year to have given up a long ball.
The Si Hurricanes may have thrown in the towel this week. Scoring as much as possible is still important though. Having an even record with The Fuzzy Taints, our tie-breaker will be points scored. Currently all teams in my West Division are leading their match-ups this week. It’s nice to see, until I realize this could knock me out of the playoffs if I’m not too careful.
We are far enough into the baseball week to see where things are headed. It’s Thursday and the Miami Carlins lead 125-122. Now this may not look like a drastic lead. My optimism comes from the fact the Carlins have used 3 starts this week and the Si Hurricanes have already used 4. Things are looking good and we may have a winning streak going.
Thus far this week, the pitching star has been Matt Moore and the offensive star is Matt Carpenter. Moore who missed a few starts a month ago and Carpenter whose job was in jeopardy after the return of Pablo Sandoval from the disabled list are back to having good standing with management.
Pablo Sandoval was originally expected to start today at third base, having a career 7 for 10 against Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake. When I realized the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was on television, I decided it was better not to put him in the lineup. Sandoval will waste all of his energy masturbating to the hot dogs on TV. Instead the earlier mentioned Carpenter will continue to start at third base until Sandoval gets more productive or loses 150 pounds.
Neither team in this match-up has a starting pitcher going today. Tomorrow Jake Westbrook goes for the Carlins and Gio Gonzalez may possibly go for the Si Hurricanes.
In other news, the upset of the century could be happening. After encouragement and guidance from yours truly, the Houston Asterisks made a few roster changes and are having a big week thanks mostly to Homer Bailey’s no-hitter. The Asterisks currently have a 171-144 lead over the once defeated Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. This of course means nothing good for the Carlins as Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages will most likely get the Number One Seed and a Houston Asterisks win just makes one more person in the West Division to worry about. Yikes.
The Miami Carlins have great pitching matchups this week. Dare I call it epic?
Last night began with Jordan Zimmermann pitching against the Milwaukee Brewers and Matt Moore against the Houston Astros. Later in the week, Zimmermann pitches against the San Diego Padres and Matt Moore pitches against the Chicago White Sox.
But wait, there’s more!
Yu Darvish’s lone start this week is against his lone star counterparts, the Houston Astros. John Lackey pitches against the San Diego Padres and the underachieving Los Angeles Angels. Mike Minor pitches against the Miami Marlins, Jake Westbrook pitches against the Miami Marlins, and then the next start Mike Minor makes on Monday is again against the Miami Marlins. The only bad matchup this week is Cole Hamels against the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that although they are the best team in the league, it’s their pitching that really is the reason why.
With all of these great starts, how do I decide who to pitch? Let’s start with Jordan Zimmermann, the team captain. I refuse to not start him no matter who the opponent is. He’s getting both of his starts. That takes up 2/7 starts.
Yu Darvish nearly pitched a perfect game against the Astros so that’s 3/7.
Mike Minor and Jake Westbrook against the Marlins, that’s a no brainer. We’re now at 5/7.
Cole Hamels has struggled this season so I’m definitely not using his start. And although John Lackey has been pitching well, his matchups are still not as favorable as the others. The Padres are no cake walk and the Angels are way overdue.
The final two starts will most likely be used again with Matt Moore’s start against the White Sox, as well as the one used last night. And that’s how I got to 7/7 starts used.
It means very little at this point, but the Miami Marlins lead the Si Hurricanes 43-6. There was an unusually high number of strikeouts for both teams. Thankfully, Matt Moore’s 30 points helped get us a huge jump-start.
The only hard decision right now seems to be how to get Matt Carpenter into the starting lineup. Tonight Carlos Gomez is not playing so Carpenter has been moved to the Utility position. For now though it could be tricky and Pablo Sandoval could be riding the pine a little more than he would like. Then again, he’s so incredible fat and would enjoy getting to sit. I’ve really had it out for him this season.
Last week was embarrassing for the West Division. Team Boyle, the Houston Asterisks, The Fuzzy Taints, Drunkin’ Drafters, and even your Miami Carlins lost to teams in the East Division. So far this season the East Division has dominated. This week though, things may turn around.
The Miami Carlins only trail their opponent Team Gold by 1 point, 154-153. Most of this has to do with Cole Hamels only earning 1 point in his start yesterday. Team Boyle leads the Si Hurricanes by 2 points, 120-118. Drunkin’ Drafters lead Cecil Cantrell 120-106. Houston Asterisks lead Stone Cold 121-107. Finally the biggest surprise of all, The Fuzzy Taints lead undefeated Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages 173-126. With only start more used, The Fuzzy Taints still have a large enough lead.
This week appears to be a week of redemption. The West Division has been the laughing stock so far, other than the Miami Carlins of course, the one team over .500. A secret meeting was held between all staff members of the West Division last night to announce this week-long alliance.
“I need a cigarette…” said the Team Boyle President within five minutes of the meeting.
“Wait, we can update our rosters more than once a week?” asked the owner of the Houston Asterisks.
“I really think we should make a lot more transactions. Transactions are what win championships,” suggested the general manager for The Fuzzy Taints.
“Mets.” was all anyone working for Drunkin’ Draters could come up with.
A counter meeting was held by members in the East Division because they don’t think as creatively as the West Division does and have to copy everything we do. A few soundbites were available from the meeting as the West Division managed to record much of what was discussed. Here are a few notes:
1) The Si Hurricanes had trouble understanding that the 7 starts a week is the maximum, not a suggestion
2) Cecil Cantrell learned about what the disabled list was and still didn’t put any of his players on it
3) Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages cried in secret at the thought of losing to The Fuzzy Taints then remembered that “at least we have each other”
4) Team Gold and Stone Cold made plans to go to the movies together, a new Sandra Bullock film seemed to interest them
(It’s re-releasing in 3D! How can they pass it up?)
More specific to the Miami Carlins, things remain real tight. Team Gold’s pitching has performed well this week and I’m hoping for a big bump in the road. Yu Darvish pitches today and the only possible pitcher Team Gold will have is Mat “Where’s my other M?” Latos. It has not yet been announced whether or not Team Gold will use Latos’ start today, mostly because we don’t announce such things to anyone.