Category: Team Houston Asterisks

Back to the Grind

It’s time to get back to the grind of updating this site with scoring, league controversies, and made-up interviews with players. I am also writing things and submitting them to Yahoo and whenever they get rejected they will land here.

Anyway, this extended week against Team Gold has started off well. Right now the score is 99-55. I have noticed a huge difference though. Pitchers are struggling while hitters are thriving. The warm weather may have something to do with this. For instance, the Drunkin’ Drafters have already scored 184 points while using 4 starts. Granted, those 4 were high scoring.

“This is the time of year when the teams with a good offense end up with wins,” said Miami Carlins manager me. Oh. I’m quoting myself. “I’m confident in my team that our offense can stand against any out there. We currently have 1 or 2 guys on our bench that could start on every other team in the league. Sometimes It’s hard to get them all in there. Do you want to see pictures of my kids?”

For any ladies reading, I do not have kids. I just know the best way to get rid of reporters is to ask them if they want to see pictures of family members that are not model wives.

Today Jordan Zimmermann and Mike Minor pitch for the Carlins. Team Gold may still be stuck in All-Star game mode, having missed out on two starts yesterday that would have given them a temporary lead.

In other news, a brief argument erupted at the summer meetings. In our league we have summer meetings instead of winter meetings. We mostly do this for the air conditioning. The first trade of the season was made. Team Boyle shipped Adrian Beltre and Rafael Betancourt to the Houston Asterisks for Troy Tulowitzki and Tim Hudson. Rafael Betancourt was so excited about playing for a team with a real name that he jumped for joy then landed funny on his ankle. He is now on the disabled list.


The trade was approved by the league, however Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages voiced their anger at the trade.

“Blah blah blah not fair. Blah blah blah something nobody cares. Blah blah blah I sent a private message by accident to everyone in the league after the fact,” said Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages about the trade.

No other trades have been made, although the Carlins have been in talks with several squadrons. It appears unless the right match-up comes along, most teams will stick with what they have.

Breaking Down the First Half

The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?

Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.

The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.

miami carlins

In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.

carly rae jepsen indecisive

Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.


Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.

dracula smoke

Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.

chaz bono

Moving along to the East Division now…

First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.

stuck on you baseball

Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.


Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.


Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.


Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.

Arlett Fernandez   3

Fireworks, Hot Dogs, and Optimism

We are far enough into the baseball week to see where things are headed. It’s Thursday and the Miami Carlins lead 125-122. Now this may not look like a drastic lead. My optimism comes from the fact the Carlins have used 3 starts this week and the Si Hurricanes have already used 4. Things are looking good and we may have a winning streak going.

Thus far this week, the pitching star has been Matt Moore and the offensive star is Matt Carpenter. Moore who missed a few starts a month ago and Carpenter whose job was in jeopardy after the return of Pablo Sandoval from the disabled list are back to having good standing with management.

Pablo Sandoval was originally expected to start today at third base, having a career 7 for 10 against Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake. When I realized the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was on television, I decided it was better not to put him in the lineup. Sandoval will waste all of his energy masturbating to the hot dogs on TV. Instead the earlier mentioned Carpenter will continue to start at third base until Sandoval gets more productive or loses 150 pounds.

Neither team in this match-up has a starting pitcher going today. Tomorrow Jake Westbrook goes for the Carlins and Gio Gonzalez may possibly go for the Si Hurricanes.

In other news, the upset of the century could be happening. After encouragement and guidance from yours truly, the Houston Asterisks made a few roster changes and are having a big week thanks mostly to Homer Bailey’s no-hitter. The Asterisks currently have a 171-144 lead over the once defeated Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. This of course means nothing good for the Carlins as Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages will most likely get the Number One Seed and a Houston Asterisks win just makes one more person in the West Division to worry about. Yikes.

homer bailey no hitter

Week 13 Results


Normally this wouldn’t be big news, especially the way this season started. Then the team took a nose dive and it’s exciting to win again. The final score was 293-142 over the Houston Asterisks. The Asterisks’ score was possibly the lowest scoring week for any team this season. Two bad pitching performances from Trevor Cahill contributed to that.

Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman who put up a team high 28 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Pablo Sandoval. Kung Fu Panda recently came off the disabled list and put up -4 points for the Carlins this week. Thank goodness for Matt Carpenter. Enemy of the Week goes to Nick Swisher and his 22 points. Swisher put up big numbers during a doubleheader on Friday, helping to contribute to a big scoring day for the Asterisks.

Now for scores from around the league:

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages narrowly escaped a victory over Stone Cold 340-337

Cecil Cantrell had no problems with Si Hurricanes, defeating them 319-194

Team Gold knocked Team Boyle out of the final playoff spot with a 320-248 victory

In the battle of brothers, The Fuzzy Taints took care of Drunkin’ Drafters, 331-294

At this point I am rooting for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages to continue to win. They are so far ahead of everyone else that I need other teams to lose to ensure a playoff spot for myself. The league is still generally close and the Carlins still have the second bye week, a reward given to division leaders. The rest of the games are outside the division this season which makes this very interesting. I mean, interesting by fantasy baseball standards. I’m not sure how interesting it is on the ground scale of life.

Now for some Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves jumped up a game and a half in the standings with a big win this past week. Right now one team trails by a game, the Slaves trail by 1.5 games and the final playoff spot trails by 13. Anything can happen still as 16 wins are up for grabs every week. As long as the Slaves remain consistent we will be seeing playoff baseball.

This week’s match-up is against the last place team in the league, the Si Hurricanes. When I woke up this week there were flash flood warnings and torrential downpour. The first game hasn’t even happened yet and already they are out for vengeance. Thank goodness I’m a hermit. Hurricanes cannot beat me.

A Brief Update

I knew this week would be easy and it has been. The Miami Carlins lead the Houston Asterisks 203-121. This may actually end up being the Carlins’ worst week as far as points are concerned when everything is all said and done. There were few games Monday and the offense overall has struggled. My lack of updates this week have to do with me being on an abnormal schedule and the lack of competition. Maybe I’ve also been lazy and focused on other things. Who cares? The Carlins should be above .500 again soon enough.

A Slow Upward Climb

The Miami Carlins made up some ground yesterday. It wasn’t much, but 5 points is still 5 points. The score is still 111-97, in favor of The Fuzzy Taints thanks mostly to a 22 point performance by Jake Westbrook.

“After my first time pitching for the Carlins when I put up a pathetic 0 points, it feels good to be someone who actually participates in a positive way,” said Westbrook. “I’ve heard murmurs what happens to guys who continually pitch poorly. I’ve heard you get traded to the Houston Asterisks.”

Today things will pick up greatly. Jordan Zimmermann, Mike Minor, and Matt Moore will all be pitching for the Carlins. John Lackey is also available to pitch, but I won’t throw him out there. He has poor numbers against the team he’s pitching against and it’s also the Detroit Tigers. I have had a history of playing pitchers against the Tigers. I would like to avoid it as much as I can.

By this time tomorrow the Miami Carlins should be in the lead. If we’re not, the situation will become very dire. I’m still not completely satisfied with the pitching match-ups other than Mike Minor against the Mets. Matt Moore goes against the Yankees and Jordan Zimmermann goes against the Rockies, thankfully in Washington, not Colorado.

“When you start the week off trailing, it’s a slow upward climb,” said Carlins 1B/OF Allen Craig. “You know, like me this season and my only 6 home runs. Wasn’t I drafted in like the 6th round? I really should stop being a singles hitter.”

mountain price is right