Category: Team Stone Cold

Week 22 Results

As fatalistically predicted, the Miami Carlins suffered a traumatic loss at the hands of Stone Cold, 309-261. The playoffs have already begun with the Carlins in the sixth and final playoff spot. Pretty amazing considering a win in Week 22 would have given America’s Favorite Fantasy Baseball team a first round bye. That shows you just how close this is.

Player of the Week goes to Cole Hamels with 55 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Ryan Zimmerman who notched 31 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Yu Darvish with -2 points. Wade Miley had a -10 performance, but at this point I expect negativity from people with the name Miley.

miley-cyrus-billboard-mid-year-awards-nominee(I dare her to name one other player from the Chicago Bulls ever)

Let’s announce some scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks beat Cecil Cantrell in a meaningless game, 302-270

Team Boyle snuck into the playoffs with a win over Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, 303-262

Team Gold knocked The Fuzzy Taints’ chances at making the post season by beating them 283-212

Drunkin’ Drafters got lucky and faced Si Hurricanes in the final week, giving them a first round bye after a 227-151 victory

I will get to the playoff picture in another post as it will up my blog stats, slightly. Let’s instead give a brief announcement for the Atlanta Slaves:

The Atlanta Slaves finished the regular season in 2nd place. It was a tight battle between the top 3 spots and the 4th and final playoff position came down to a half game victory. It will take only two wins to become the league champion where I will win a ring. Just what I want, this guy after me.

gollum

The Miami Carlins finished with a pitiful 11-11 record after a tremendous 5-0 start. Blame can be placed on Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta. Blame will not be placed on them though as it always comes down to the manager, me. All this means now is that we are the underdogs.

It’s Going To Take…

What’s it going to take tomorrow for the Miami Carlins to win the first round bye?

Right now the Carlins trail Stone Cold 224-216. Stone Cold still has 2 starts yet, but only one starter scheduled for tomorrow thanks to a Felix Hernandez injury. Bartolo Colon will pitch against Houston. The last time Colon faced the hapless Houston team he earned 0 fantasy baseball points. Cole Hamels will pitch for the Carlins tomorrow against the Braves, a team he has seen plenty over the years.

So what’s it going to take? Hopefully Stone Cold doesn’t realize King Felix is injured. The beginning of football season may help. A bad start by Colon, a nice one by Hamels, and a Miami Carlins offensive explosion are what it will take. Worst case scenario, I lose this week and have to play Team Gold next week in the first round of the playoffs. ┬áConsidering they gave me a hard time all season, I’m hoping Hamels can hold the Braves hitless for 9 innings and Bartolo Colon finally gets suspended for cheating. Too bad he never knew you were supposed to lift weights when you take steroids.

bartolo colon(I suppose when your name is Colon you are destined for making mistakes)

Pablo Sandoval You Fat S.O.B. I Love You

Pablo Sandoval has finally contributed. Last night, Miami Carlins third baseman and competitive eater Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs totally 25 points. After a Yu Darvish -1 pitching performance, Sandoval has helped the Carlins get back in it this week.

The score is currently tied at 141, the Carlins having used 5 starts and Stone Cold having used 4. It’s going to take a few good pitching performances and maybe even another fat bastard hitting three home runs. As it currently looks, Mike Minor and Cole Hamels will get the last two starts for the Carlins before the postseason begins next Monday. The Carlins pretty much need this win to secure a first round bye. A playoff spot, if my math is correct, has been secured since the Carlins have the tie-breaker over most teams.

For now though, let’s celebrate Pablo Sandoval. The next hamburger is on me kid.

Pablo Sandoval

Week 21 Results

I didn’t do any updates this week because 1) I’ve become very busy and 2) I don’t want anyone knowing how much I suck. Team Gold rolled over my Miami Carlins. We barely stood a chance. The final score was 346-290. Fortunately by the end of yesterday I wasn’t the second top scoring team, which would have made things a lot more frustrating.

Player of the Week goes to Jhoulys Chacin with 32 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Brandon Moss with 33 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Grant Balfour who had 3 saves yet finished with 0 points this week due to a blown save/loss combination.

Let’s take a look at scores from around the league:

Houston Asterisks played spoiler, defeating Stone Cold 326-262

Team Boyle got into the final playoff spot with a 228-168 win over Si Hurricanes

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages decided to help me out with a 300-235 win over The Fuzzy Taints

Drunkin’ Drafter all but eliminated Cecil Cantrell from the post season by defeating them 300-240

The Miami Carlins still have the second bye week and in order to keep it a few things will have to happen. The Carlins will need to either 1) Win or 2) Need Drunkin’ Drafters and Team Boyle to lose. I have done the math and it is almost impossible for the Carlins to not at least make the playoff, even if in the final position.

Some brief Atlanta Slaves news:

The Slaves have officially clinched a playoff spot! Right now the Slaves are 2 games behind two teams tied in first place. There is still a strong battle for the final playoff spot in the league, but the struggle for the Slaves is over, at least until next week.

This is the final week for both the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves. Both teams will make the playoffs, since the Carlins will win the tie-breakers thanks to their high-scoring ways. This final week matches the Carlins against Stone Cold, a team in a similar position as the Carlins, except they are so far out they will not get a bye week. Stone Cold ignored my trade request so this is a little personal for me. I have a chance to ruin his summer.

pip rain stayed away!

Week 17 Results

Week 17 was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I’ll be Hollywood and cut to the chase. The Miami Carlins defeated Stone Cold 367-255. In the few posts I did this week I basically said why the score was the way it was. The Carlins were great and Stone Cold simply was not.

Player of the Week goes to Freddie Freeman with 37 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Shane Victorino who also had 37 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Allen Craig who only totaled 3 points in his time he spent in the lineup which was every day except the day he scored 14 points. Ugh.

Now for scores from around the league:

Cecil Cantrell narrowed out Houston Asterisk 237-227

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages made Team Boyle’s life miserable, beating them 367-236

Team Gold moved up to the third place in the league with a win over The Fuzzy Taints, 289-261

Drunkin’ Drafters piled on the points against Si Hurricanes with a final score 291-207

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

The Atlanta Slaves are back in first place! It’s only by 2.5 games, but still something to celebrate.

This week the Miami Carlins will play Cecil Cantrell, the team that the Miami Carlins beat before to end their bad losing streak midseason. It’s important to pick up as many wins down the stretch. The way I see it, two more wins secures a playoff spot, but of course that’s not good enough. Right now the Carlins have a one game lead over The Fuzzy Taints for the West Division lead, something I hope to keep.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

I don’t. And thankfully because I don’t believe in miracles, the odds are in my favor. Two days remain in my matchup against Stone Cold this week and the Miami Carlins have a gigantic 290-179 lead. I haven’t even noticed how well the Carlins have been doing and how poorly Stone Cold has. It has indeed gotten to that point too. Single digit starts combined with only Shane Victorino providing great offense for Stone Cold is what got us here. For the Carlins, Freddie Freeman has already contributed 32 points. This new job I have is completely distracting me from paying attention to every little detail in the league. After losing last week I thought I was in for a losing streak. Looks like the Carlins are back on track and Stone Cold is bloodied and ready to lose.

stone cold

“Don’t Get Cocky Kid” – Han Solo

At one point during the Star Wars Trilogy, Luke Skywalker started shooting a bunch of storm troopers. These storm troopers probably had families and people who cared about them. As he killed each, he let out a wild laugh/yell. Han Solo turned to him and told him not to be so cocky. I’m in a similar position this week against my opponent Stone Cold. Tallying up Monday, Tuesday, and a few games today, the score is 86-69. Now why am I getting cocky? Because Stone Cold has used 3 of their 7 starts. The Miami Carlins haven’t used any.

han solo

The Carlin’s pitching has been inconsistent of late and I’ve been over that already. Today Matt Moore went on the disabled list which is a huge setback for the team, especially with how well he had been pitching minus his most recent start on Sunday. It looked for a while like I wouldn’t have to have a revolving door of starting pitchers, but now I am have to. Sam Dedundo of the Minnesota Twins who has been pitching well of late was signed to replace Moore in the interim. He pitches tomorrow against the Houston Astros, something that from a distance looks like a sure thing.

So why the Carlins winning by so much this week? First, Grant Balfour and Joe Nathan have made up for being so terrible last week. Second, Freddie Freeman’s two home runs yesterday. Even today Torii Hunter, while on the bench, tacked on 15 points. The Carlins by far have the best offensive team. Even with the possible loss of Jhonny Peralta and Nelson Cruz to season ending suspensions the team has Pablo Sandoval, Jayson Werth, and Torii Hunter who can easily step in, all three of whom deserve more playing time anyway.

So why has Stone Cold stunk? Okay, maybe they haven’t stunk. That’s a harsh word. Looking over their stats for this week, it’s pretty average. The big difference right now is that the Carlins have gotten 29 points from their three closers; Grant Balfour, Joe Nathan, and Jim Henderson who earned two saves yesterday.

Things can of course change. Mike Minor pitches for the Carlins tonight as does Corey Kluber making his Miami Carlins debut. As long as they pitch to their average we should be good. A bye week is really important to me right now, possibly more important than anything else. That includes life an being kind to my fellow man. I spend way too much time on this time to fail. Ugh I’m too cocky.

Breaking Down the First Half

The first half is over and the second half has begun. Of course the season is more than half way over. In fact, I think there are only 6 or 7 more weeks until the playoffs. Somewhere along writing this blog I got away from insulting the other teams. I thought why not start again today?

Let’s review each team. We’ll start with the West Division.

The West is currently led by the Miami Carlins with a 9-6 record. After getting off to a 5-0 start, the Carlins saw a long losing streak take some steam out of the…something that has steam. Cleveland? Consistently scoring high and back on track, the Miami Carlins look to either finish with a first round by or at the very least with home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. Really, I’m not going to insult my own team unless it’s Pablo Sandoval’s weight.

miami carlins

In second place are The Fuzzy Taints. A team nobody expected to do well because of the gene pool it comes from (the name didn’t help much either) The Fuzzy Taints have proven to everyone they are a playoff team. The first team to beat Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, The Fuzzy Taints enter the second half with a 9-6 record, only trailing the Miami Carlins because they haven’t scored nearly as much. The team’s greatness strength is perhaps signing subpar level players on the New York Mets and playing them at the right time. It takes real balls to have Omar Quintanilla on your team. Or maybe it just takes a fuzzy taint.

carly rae jepsen indecisive

Third place is where it gets interesting. Right now we see Drunkin’ Drafters, brother of The Fuzzy Taints, there. Drunkin’ Drafters suffered a few tough luck losses this season and are nibbling at a final playoff spot. Drunkin’ Drafter’s biggest issue this season has been its pitching. The first pick they took in the draft was the under-performing Justin Verlander and not long after David Price was selected. Only because Edwin Encarnacian has played so well have Drunkin’ Drafters been able to make up for Verlander and Price. Drunkin’ Drafters need a few other teams to collapse to get into the playoffs. I wish I could have thought of a better way to word this where the collapsing has something to do with being drunk. Stumbling into the playoffs? That works.

Darryl-Strawberry

Next we find Team Boyle. Tied with Drunkin’ Drafters with a 7-8 record, Team Boyle has not been able to score this season at all. Strikeouts have been their problem. An outfield that looks like they should have “Chico’s Bailbonds” on the back doesn’t help either. First pick Matt Kemp has been injured or a singles hitter and Stephen Strasburg has been more like SNL alumni Andy Samberg on the mound. Will adding Troy Tulowitzki in a trade with the Houston Asterisks get Team Boyle a few more points? The loss of Adrian Beltre, an iron man compared to Tulowitzki might come back to bite him in the ass. Considering Team Boyle is managed by my father, I have seen his ass and it’s so small that a single bite could do some real damage.

dracula smoke

Finally in last place we find the Houston Asterisks. A team that spent much of the season on strike due to management’s hatred of facial hair. Somehow even while on strike they managed to pick up 3 wins and another last week against Team Gold. The strike is over in Houston and the Asterisks are looking to play spoiler. With a “swing for the fences” and “hope Homer Bailey pitches a no-hitter” strategy, the Houston Asterisks play a risky game. Unless they go undefeated for the rest of the year, look for the Houston Asterisks players at your local golf club this September during the playoffs.

chaz bono

Moving along to the East Division now…

First place finds a familiar name, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. The team that averages a loss only once every 6 or 7 weeks haven’t had much to complain about this year other than the one trade made. The only real weakness in Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages lies in their reliability on a few players. Most notably they are their three big pitchers; Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, and Madison Bumgartner. The team not afraid to take risks with the likes of Jose Fernandez or an injured Matt Garza has been farting roses all season long. I see another loss or two coming soon in these warm months as the JDVS offense is its weak point. They have all but locked up a first round bye and my hope for a Yasiel Puig deportation.

stuck on you baseball

Stone Cold is the next team in the East Division. Starting off poorly, Stone Cold has been playing well of late. Like Team Boyle, Stone Cold has an outfield that reminds me of Shane Mapps, that black kid Andre, and me. This was the starting outfield for my little league team in 1998. And by starting I mean starting in the 3rd inning because the coach didn’t want us actually starting the game. Stone Cold has had guys like Max Scherzer and Justin Masterson put up career highs. More than likely, Stone Cold will cool off a little bit. Ha! So clever.

coldstonecreamery

Next we find Team Gold. With a similar start to the season as Stone Cold, Team Gold may be one of the better offensive teams at some positions and at others the weakness is clear. Overall Team Gold has become a well-rounded team and I like their shot in the playoffs. That is of course unless Team Gold’s wife gets in the way. Team Gold of course might be best known as having the first overall pick then having to leave the draft to watch television with his wife. I’m not married so I don’t comprehend the full power a wife can have over a husband. Whatever happens, at least I can say I’m allowed to do whatever I want while Team Gold is out at the Flower Festival.

goldust

Cecil Cantrell is the team that went on the most similar journey to the Miami Carlins. A great start followed by struggles, Cecil Cantrell is back on track with an 8-7 record. Cecil Cantrell’s biggest problem this season has been the lack of commissioner updates. The occasional video or statement has been made, but nothing concrete or consistent has occurred. The man is busy though, participating in many other leagues and having never once placed a player on the disabled list despite having many candidates. It’s something to respect about the man. He makes his players play through the pain rather than do what’s best for everyone.

The-King-and-The-Commissioner-23

Rounding out the division and the league for that matter are the Si Hurricanes. At first I saw the Si Hurricanes as a big threat. The 2-13 record says otherwise. Poor pitching, the disappearance of Ryan Braun, and still having Carl Crawford on the disabled list even though he is not injured are the cause of this. The Si Hurricanes don’t look to spoil so much anymore unless they happen to get lucky like the Houston Asterisks did a few times. It’s hard to say something about a team that has performed so bad without making myself look like an ass. It’s like making fun of the fat redheaded kid with glasses and dead parents. It’s just not worth it.

Arlett Fernandez   3

Week 8 Results

facepalm-wallpaper

 

You gotta be kidding me.

Another loss for the Miami Carlins? What went wrong this week? Every little thing that could. I can blame Thursday’s small schedule and that being the day where Josh Willingham hit two home runs as the problem. I can blame Cole Hamels for losing twice in one week. I can blame the Carlins offense for continuing to struggle. I can blame all of the strikeouts. I can blame all of the walks the pitchers give up. I can blame Max Scherzer who won two games for Stone Cold. There’s so much to blame. Then I see the score, 315-299. Things were so much closer at one point. The day yesterday finished off with Kevin Gregg getting a win for Stone Cold, Joe Nathan blowing a save for Miami Carlins, and my last hope Freddie Freeman striking out four times against the Mets. What is going on in the world?

Player of the Week goes to Mike Minor who turned out a 31 point pitching performance. Disappointment of the Week goes to Cole Hamels. Yes he may have earned 30 points, but it took him two starts and he lost them both. If he won then we add back on the 3 points he got from the loss and tack on another 5. Look at that, this week would have been a tie. Enemy of the Week goes to Max Scherzer who won two games and earned a total of 54 points. It’s always easy to pick a pitcher as the enemy, especially when they pitch well twice in one week. Did you hear that Cole? It’s not illegal to pitch well twice in one week.

Now for the scores from around the league:

Cecil Cantrell lucked out and was up against the Houston Asterisks, a team that is half on strike due to their hatred of the low-flow toilets installed by the owner. They took this game 245-221

Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages must have been Gandhi in a past life because after ending the day trailing by one, grounded into doubleplays, errors, and balks were factored in and they ended up beating Team Boyle 282-281

The Fuzzy Taints continued a nice winning streak and helped earn the West some respect. They beat Team Gold 288-282 to end Team Gold’s 5 game winning streak

In a battle of last place teams, Drunkin’ Drafters got their first win in a long time, beating the Si Hurricanes 275-252

Now for Atlanta Slaves news:

Things are getting tighter in this league. After starting off with a gigantic lead, the Atlanta Slaves are down to a half game lead. Since week two the Atlanta Slaves have been in first place. A loss this week will ensure things will change. I’m sure the rest of the league will enjoy seeing us out of the top spot for the first time in almost two months.

yahoo standings(Cleveland Steamers are also owned by the same person who owns the Houston Asterisks and they too are on strike and never change their lineups because of the whole low-flow toilet controversy)

This week I face off against Team Boyle again for the second and last time. I’ve played every time except for Cecil Cantrell, the commissioner. I’m thinking he made the schedule and fears the Miami Carlins. Our match-up will happen next week, but this week it’s a family affair. I feel bad that Team Boyle didn’t get a win last week against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages because now he’s going to have to lose again to me. No child should ever have to beat his father at fantasy baseball. I will though.